Hi, you're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through

research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less. Today's tip is about

practicing positive needs. Picture this. You just finished a very exhausting day at work. On the way home,

there was an accident that backed up the

interstate for over an hour. Then you had to pick up clothes from the cleaners, milk from the grocery,

and Bitsy the Bulldog from the groomer. And finally, you're home. You walk through the door and

find more chaos. Your partner is going through the finances and has

questions about the cable bill. Your daughter wants you to help her with complicated math homework,

and your son is banging on the piano, begging to show you what he learned in music class.

You try to hold back your emotions, but instead they explode all over the room as you shout,

please, I need everyone to stop bothering me for just one minute. Let me breathe.

Suddenly, everyone in the room goes silent. Your partner looks stunned and your kids look

hurt. And now your day has become much worse. You feel awful.

We know. We get it. You were totally overwhelmed. And your response came out of a moment of total

frustration. But was there a better way to express your desire for some downtime? You betcha.

By expressing your positive need. What does that mean?

Simply this. A positive need is something you would like to happen, as opposed to a negative

need, which is what you would like to stop. So what could you have said differently after walking

into your house? Instead of negatively saying, I need everyone to stop

bothering me. You could have said positively, I would like some quiet time to myself. Hear the difference?

We can pretty much guarantee that your partner would have understood and hopefully given you the

space you needed. Another great thing about expressing positive needs is that it informs your partner exactly

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