Hello Deathlings. I'm just popping in today to say I have a new book. Will my cat eat my eyeballs and to read some of it to you.

No pressure to buy it, although it is available, wherever books are sold.

But honestly, telling your library or your local librarian to get it is just as good and helpful.

If you're a podcast listener, you might prefer it on audiobook or books on tape,

as my mom used to call them when I was younger, which I recorded with recorded books.

Will my cat eat my eyeballs?

All questions authentically sourced from 100% free-range organic children.

When I die, will my cat eat my eyeballs?

No, your cat won't eat your eyeballs. No, your cat won't eat your eyeballs. Not right away, at least. Don't worry,

Snickers McMuffin hasn't been biting his time,

glaring at you from behind the couch,

waiting for you to take your last breath

to be all Spartans,

tonight we dine in hell!

For hours, even days after your death, Snickers will expect you to rise from the dead and fill his normal food bowl with his normal food.

He won't be diving straight for the human flesh.

But a cat has got to eat, and you are the person who feeds him.

This is the cat-human compact.

Death doesn't free you from performing your contractual obligations.

If you have a heart attack in your living room and no one finds you before you miss your coffee date with Sheila next Thursday,

a hungry and impatient Snickers McMuffin may abandon

his empty food bowl and come to check out what your corpse has to offer.

...