Hello, it's the radio segment that just lasered all the carons in a seven mile radius.

Ooh, cool. Now they're more mad than ever.

Oh no, backfired.

Laser stories.

A segment where we read, weird news stories from around the globe,

just like everyone else does, except we have a laser.

And those other jiggly whops just don't.

This first laser story's out of Sunderland, England.

This past weekend, two guys broke into a restaurant and one of them stole stuff and ran off.

Ain't nobody got time for that?

The other one, well it was a different story.

I say that because the next morning the owner got to the restaurant and heard strange noises coming from the bathroom

I have a feeling some bad stuff is about to go down

He's still there when he went to check it out he realized there'd been a break-in because he saw the thief snoring on the bathroom floor.

To his surprise, the robber had a mop bucket filled with alcohol next to him.

Oh, damn.

Along with a half-eaten cheesecake.

Ah.

Winner!

That part makes sense.

So the owner called the cops and they came and arrested the guy, but when they woke him up, he refused to give up the cheesecake.

I thought you were going to say, like, refused to give up the name of his buddy that got away.

...