Attention all passengers.

The Uber ride for Mark and Jamal's romantic weekend

will depart in four minutes from Platform 6.

Your ride comes with a rolling countryside sunset view

and a table seat, ideal for playing footsie beneath.

Thank you for booking your tickets on Uber.

Trains on Uber. Trains on Uber.

Folks, we have done over 1,800 of these shows.

And most nights, I come out here and I talk to the audience beforehand,

and tonight I thought I'd talk to the audience in here

and the audience out there at home.

This show, I want you to know and you to know,

has been a joy for us to do for you.

In fact, we call this show The Joy Machine, all right?

Lewis stole it from us, and we are currently in litigation right now.

You better lawyer up, buddy.

We call the Joy Machine because to do this many shows, it has to be a machine.

But the thing is, if you choose to do it with joy, it doesn't hurt as much when your fingers get caught in the gears.

And I cannot adequately explain to you what the people who work here have done for each other

and how much we mean to each other.

So I will just say, I would just say to them, I would just say to them, you are all the great Achilles, whom we knew.

Now, on night one of the Colbert rapport, back in the day, I said, anyone can read the news to you.

...