This is a Global Player Original podcast.

All right, Paul.

I am not your lover, categorically, not your lover.

You want to be.

Despite trying to get you a number of times. So many times. I'm resolutely not your lover. I am Anna Whitehouse, the founder of Motherpucker. Welcome to another episode of Dirty Motherpucker. Oh, Polly Hazelwood. Hello, you're in for a ride today. Oh, are you? Yes, yes, you are. Well, I've had quite the journey in today. So you know, like, the scruff at the bottom of your bag, you know, like the hair and all the sort of... I know the scrapes that get lost. ...at the bottom of your bag. Yes, I'm very, I'm very well familiar with the scrylth at the bottom of your bag. Okay, fine. I had some unpopped popcorn kernels. You know, like the new health food.

Where is this going? So they all spilled out into my bag this morning, and I was so hungry on the commute in that I thought, do you know what, I'll go straight to sauce. I don't care that they are, you know, immersed in the scrylph of, I was going to see the undercarriage of my bag. Which would be a good description actually.

It would be. The dark depths, anyway. And so I started, like, just eating these popcorn kernels, like stealthily from the bottom of my bag, hoping people assumed they were in a packet. Also, why are you eating popcorn kernels? That doesn't even sound like it's a proper snack. I mean, they're quite tasty. It's like new health food movement. Okay. All right. Do you think I've been sold a dud? Yeah, I feel like it's sold a dud. If you take those back. They are. These have been popped. They're ten times more expensive than popcorn. Of course they are. Yeah. You know, it's all in the... It's a thing. It's a thing. It's a thing. Okay. Okay. Okay. And I was eating these things and I, there was a paper clip at the bottom of my bag that I scooped hot.

Oh. It's all in the... It's a thing. It's a thing. It's a thing. Okay. Okay. And I... There was a paper clip at the bottom of my bag that I scooped up and I was chewing and I was like, you know when your teeth hit metal? Good grief. Oh my God. That has set my teeth on edge. I'm going to have to remove a paper clip from my mouth. Why can't I do basic things? What is wrong with you? Why can't I just function like a basic person? Like eating should be a simple thing.

And I, you know, I'm a paradox, okay? Like, I'm a tale of two sides. You absolutely are. I'm really on it. In so many places in my life, accounting, I'm on it. I'm really razor sharp with an Excel spreadsheet. Basic things, I was going to say.

Toileting myself and eating.

Hold on.

You've just literally come out of the bathroom doing up your buttons from your vagina up to your tits.

I'd say you need a bit more practice in the toileting area.

Just FYI.

Talking about vaginas.

Okay.

So listener, listen up.

A new packet of Chris has landed on the market.

I'm not ready for this.

From a company called Chaz, C-H-A-Z, they are Lithuania-based.

These crisps, it says on the packet, are flavoured like a vagina.

Oh, pussy flavoured chips.

...