You're human, barely. I'm a lawyer.

I know a lot about the lawn, various other loyarrings. I'm well-educated, well-versed.

It's a thorny legal issue, alright. I'll need to refer to the case of Finders vs. Keepers.

Isn't it true that you have been paid for your testimony? Yes, you gave me a dollar and some candy.

And you have been said, well, I told you to say, how can any of us trust you?

How can you be so sure? Because I was saying to myself, where could he be going?

Five to seven with that sawdust shop, but...

Welcome to Opening Arguments, a podcast that pairs a comedian with a real-life lawyer.

This podcast is sponsored by the law offices of P Andrew Torres LLC for entertainment purposes.

It's not intended as legal advice and does not form an attorney-client relationship.

Don't take legal advice from a podcast.

Hello and welcome to Opening Arguments. This is episode 670. I'm Thomas.

That's Andrew Torres. How are you doing, sir?

I am fantastic, Thomas. How are you? Should I be nice and quiet and soothing?

I will say...

I will say...

If you've gotten a nap in between those two sentences.

We do record in advance, but I will say as the listeners are hearing this, I suspect Andrew,

A, you're back home and B, maybe you got my gift.

I don't know. We'll see. I'm looking forward to it.

You got mine, which turned out to be the most clear-following...

Oh, yeah, we should talk about that. So Andrew...

...