Not Fighting Isn’t the Same as Being Close
Seeing Other People
Ilana Dunn
4.5 • 608 Ratings
🗓️ 24 February 2026
⏱️ 57 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
I’m joined by Colette Jane Fehr, couples therapist, relationship expert, and author of The Cost of Quiet: How to Have the Hard Conversations That Create Secure, Lasting Love. We talk about why “not fighting” isn’t the same as being connected, how losing your voice can slowly erode a relationship, and what it actually means to do the work in love. Colette shares how her own divorce, dating experiences, and attachment patterns shaped the way she shows up in her second marriage, and why speaking up (even when it’s scary) is the key to secure love. We get into conflict avoidance, anxious vs. avoidant dynamics, the fear of being “too much,” and more.
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Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | Colette Jane Fair, welcome to seeing other people. |
| 0:05.0 | Thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be here. I just have a feeling this is going to be one of those conversations where we're never going to want to end it. |
| 0:13.0 | And we're going to have 5,000 things to talk about. And I am so excited for it all. |
| 0:18.0 | Me too. I can't wait. I have a feeling I could be here all day and we'd still be talking. |
| 0:22.9 | Yes, correct. |
| 0:23.9 | Okay, I am honored especially to have your time this week. |
| 0:27.8 | It is your publication week for your book, The Cost of Quiet, How to the Hard Conversations |
| 0:33.3 | That Create Secure, Lasting Love. Congratulations. |
| 0:35.6 | Thank you. |
| 0:36.4 | Cover, beautiful. |
| 0:39.5 | Thank you. Bright and sunny and colorful. It's perfect. I kind of matched my book today. I'm really thinking. Was that on purpose? |
| 0:43.7 | No. But I love it. I'll go with it. It was meant to be. Okay. A million questions on how we got |
| 0:51.4 | from where you were in life to where this book came. |
| 0:56.1 | But first, I want to really properly introduce you. |
| 0:59.2 | You do so many impressive things. |
| 1:00.9 | You are, of course, an author. |
| 1:02.3 | You are a couple's therapist, a relationship expert, a speaker. |
| 1:05.3 | You host two podcasts. |
| 1:07.7 | You are a mother. |
| 1:09.7 | I don't know how we have the same number of hours in the day, but apparently we do. |
| 1:14.7 | What led you to this point in your life where you're like, I'm going to write this book |
| 1:19.9 | that's going to help couples and that's going to help people figure out how to use their voice? |
... |
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