Nobody Wins in a War of Attrition

The Daily Dad

Daily Dad

Relationships, Education, Ryan Holiday, Society & Culture, Wisdom, Self-improvement, Kids & Family, Parenting, Fatherhood, Dads

4.6 • 630 Ratings

🗓️ 25 March 2020

⏱️ 3 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

Because you’re in charge, because you’re so much bigger and stronger and smarter, it’s easy to get trapped into a battle of wills with your kids. Don’t do that or else! Because I said so. Oh, you think it’s like that, do you? We put our foot down. We tell them how it’s going to be. We argue. Sometimes, at the very, very end of our rope, we lock them in their room.

Maybe we think this is what authority is, that it’s about force. That it’s about asserting dominance or control. Of course, this is wrong, not just morally but factually. It’s one of the most enduring myths of history, propagated by movies and stories, that wars are won and lost by two great armies going head-to-head in battle.

In fact, in a study of 30 conflicts comprising more than 280 campaigns from ancient to modern history, the historian B. H. Liddell Hart found that in only 6 of the 280 campaigns was a decisive victory the result of a direct attack on the enemy’s main army. Only six. That’s 2 percent.

Instead, most wars—like most arguments and most matters in life—are won indirectly. They’re won creatively. They’re not matters of full force going against full force, but about finding another way around, a way to really get through. Sometimes they’re won by delay, sometimes by surprise, other times by feints or alliances. And so it should go with your kids. You’re not going to yell them into listening. You’re going to have to find where they’re vulnerable. You’re not going to get them to calm down by force, but by realizing that they’re hungry...or need to be tired out. You’re not going to get them to stop being afraid by logic, you’ll have to change their perspective.

Nobody wins a battle of wills. Every victory is Pyrrhic. So get creative. Stop throwing yourself against a wall. Protect both combatants. Don’t attack head-on.

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Transcript

Click on a timestamp to play from that location

0:00.0	Welcome to the Daily Dad podcast where we provide one lesson every day to help you with your most
0:14.3	important job being a dad. These are lessons inspired by ancient philosophy, by practical wisdom,
0:24.0	and insights from dads all over the world.
0:27.0	Thank you for listening, and we hope this helps.
0:35.6	Nobody wins a war of attrition.
0:56.5	Because you're in charge, because you're so much bigger and stronger and smarter, it's easy to get trapped into a battle of wills with your kids. Don't do that or else. Because I said so, oh, you think it's like that, do you? We put our foot down. We tell how it's going to be. We argue. Sometimes at the very, very end of our rope, we lock them in their room. Maybe we think this is what authority is, that it's about force, that it's about
1:01.2	asserting dominance or control. Of course, this is wrong, not just morally, but factually.
1:07.2	It's one of the most enduring myths of history propagated by movies and stories that wars are won and lost by two great armies going ahead to head in battle.
1:17.2	In fact, in a study of 30 conflicts compromising more than 280 campaigns from ancient to modern history,
1:24.0	the historian B.H. Liddell Hart that in only six of the 280 campaigns was a decisive victory,
1:31.7	the result of a direct attack on the enemy's main army. Only six. That's two percent. Instead,
1:38.2	most wars, like most arguments and most matters in life, are won indirectly. They're one creatively.
1:45.0	They're not matters of full force going against full force, but about finding another way around,
1:51.0	a way to really get through.
1:52.0	Sometimes they're won by delay, sometimes by surprise, other times by faints or alliances.
1:58.0	And so it should go with your kids.
2:00.0	You're not going to yell them into listening.
2:02.4	You're going to have to find where they're vulnerable. You're not going to get them to calm down
2:06.5	by force, but by realizing that they're hungry or need to be tired out. You're not going to get them
2:11.3	to stop being afraid by logic. You'll have to change their perspective. Nobody wins a battle of
2:17.3	wills.
2:17.9	Every victory is Pyrrhic.
	...

Please login to see the full transcript.

Previous episode | Next episode

Disclaimer: The podcast and artwork embedded on this page are from Daily Dad, and are the property of its owner and not affiliated with or endorsed by Tapesearch.

Generated transcripts are the property of Daily Dad and are distributed freely under the Fair Use doctrine. Transcripts generated by Tapesearch are not guaranteed to be accurate.