Nicole Cried On Her Ice-Cream

Best Friends with Nicole Byer and Sasheer Zamata

Headgum

Comedy

4.9 • 4.7K Ratings

🗓️ 5 January 2022

⏱️ 41 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

BING BING BONG! Happy New Year! Nicole and Sasheer catch up about a mean bartender, moaning in your sleep, crying over ice-cream, if we are a periodic table, why teachers were mean to Sasheer, what Peppa Pig is really about, that this podcast is really just Blues Clues, and Nicole’s hair care. Then, they answer listener questions on getting a book back after a friend break-up (which Sasheer can relate to), hear from a listener who recommends snore-solving techniques as well as informs us that wearing socks during sex leads to better orgasms, and then wrap things up by talking about beds. It’s fun! Email or call Nicole & Sasheer with your friendship questions at: [email protected] (424) 645-7003

Transcript

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0:00.0	Ding, Bing, Bing, Dong.
0:12.4	Bing, Bing, bang.
0:15.4	Hi, Nicole.
0:16.8	How are you?
0:18.8	I'm good. I saw you last night, and that was nice. Oh, it was so nice. I was so hungry. Yeah, you're a little monster.
0:30.8	This year I hadn't eaten all day, did a show, teahee-haha, ha-ha-ha. And then there was like an hour to kill in between.
0:39.4	So I, like, sat in my car because I was like, well, I can't go home and then come back out.
0:45.0	If I go home, I'm home.
0:47.4	So then I went to the bar, the bartender, the rudest bartender of ever met in all the land. Dang. I sat down. He went, I hate her. I'm going to be so mean to her. She doesn't deserve service, a smile, happiness, kindness, or good vibes or thoughts. I wish her nothing but bad things. Oh, no. I'll pour her this wine. I'll take her money. But if I could hex her and her
1:11.7	would. I hate her. So then I drank my wine and then I was like, wait, I'm so hungry. So then I
1:20.7	started texting you. If you don't sprint here, I'm going to pass out. I'm going to die.
1:25.3	You had to bury me. All in all caps. Well, also, we agreed to meet at 9.30.
1:33.9	And then you're like, hey, can you meet an hour, like a half hour earlier? And I was like, in my pajamas, not ready to go. And I was like, okay, I'll try. And that was silly. And it's fine. I just, I was going to
1:48.7	order something at the bar, but then I didn't know how because I was like, this bartender might
1:52.4	decapitate me if I order food. That's not high. He hated me, Sishir. And I left him $6 on two
1:59.9	glasses of wine because I wanted maybe a smile. And he was
2:03.4	like, not even for money will I smile at you. I hate you. Was it really busy? Kind of, but not
2:10.9	like horrifically busy. He was very kind to the two people on either side of me. Oh, no.
2:16.6	Yeah. I think I was victimized because of who I am, which is Nicole. Markey, do, bo, bud, der. Bire. Oh, wait, can we bleep out my middle name? I don't want the people to know. I don't know if it's out in the world. It probably is. Probably, but I want to bleep. Can you make the bleep sound like this?
2:38.5	Were the people on either side of you like little young hotties?
2:46.6	Was he trying to get some from them?
2:48.1	Well, no.
	...

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