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New Year

Millions of years ago, New Year's Eve was a rather disappointing thing.

Way back then, our filthy ancestors huddled around campfires, sipping swamp water, and grunting

at teenagers who peed too close to camp.

And then, after midnight, they dig a hole in the forest and moan,

which loosely translates into, I wish someone would hurry up and invent a fiber supplement.

And for millennia, that's how things went. Well, sometime after the dawn of Metaumusel,

New Year's turned into a time for tequila, Yeagermeister, and making grand resolutions. One psychologist explains,

New Year's resolutions set people up for disappointment. Each year,

they realize how little they've accomplished, and in a single word,

people feel like miserable failures. Well, I wish someone would have told that quack

"'that was not a single word.

"'Last year, New Year's Eve, I sat at the bar,

"'and before the bartender would allow me a beer,

...