McDonald's employees. What secrets of the golden arches did you discover there?

My first day on the job, I was told to be on the lookout for the elderly gentleman who'd

try to sneak around the corner and pour the entire coffee pot into his mug while everyone was

too busy to stop him. I caught him in the act almost immediately. Sources for sandwiches have the craziest dispensers.

Ketchup and mustard are in these really rudimentary plastic funnel things that have a paddle

in the handle.

And when you squeeze it, gravity pushes the right amount of sauce through the holes.

It doesn't seem like it would work well, does it?

But it does if you apply the proper amount of jiggling.

The mech sauce, mayo and tartar, though, they're basically in cork tubes that get loaded into basically cork guns. You pull the trigger on the handle and a really satisfying, ratchety clanking delivers a powerfully saucy surprise for the awaiting buns. Problem is, though, it takes a bit of finesse, because if you hit that trigger too hard, you'll blow the bun, and a wad of cream right through the condiment

station and onto the wall eight feet away. No joke. The first couple of tartar splurts on a fresh

tube came out so hot, I'd fire a shot or two in the trash to avoid premature splatulation

of the lunch rush. The first salvo, properly

elevated and adjusted for the wind, could clear the whole kitchen and take out the McInfantry

on the cash register. Depending on which one you work at, the parking lot is basically a meet-up for

addicts and dealers, and at least where I was in New Mexico, for people to meet up and do the deed in their

cars. As long as they kept their business to the middle of the night and didn't cause any serious

problems, we were told to not call the cops or make a fuss, mostly because they'd come in and

buy their food after their shenanigans. Soda and Mini Pies were really popular with the smack addicts.

What I later found out was that management

was actually told to let it slide by corporate, since everyone higher up was aware of how much money

the night crowd bought in. I got to see many, many deals go down. I'm convinced that I saw at least

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