Hola, yo soy Eder Díaz y este es el podcast de pueblo católico y gay. Hola, soy Nácio y soy de la ciudad, soy católico y gay. Me atío bienvenido al podcast. Gracias, Eder. ¿Cómo estás? Bien, estoy muy contento. Y si me ha gustado, me voy a ver. Y si me ha gustado, me voy a ver. Y si me ha gustado, me voy a ver. Me atío bienvenido al podcast.

Gracias, Edder.

¿Cómo estás?

Bien, estoy muy bien, estoy disfrutando un día de descanso que no tuvimos clases el día de hoy, pero estoy contento. Qué padre, pues felicidades que no tuviste que trabajar hoy. ¿Cuál es? Soy nacido en el este de Los Anqueles, born and raised en city terrace. I'm a local, Angelino. So I've always been here. What are your memories from your childhood? My memories. Happy memories. I'm the youngest. I'm the baby of two older sisters. So, siempre me metía en lo que hacían ellas, but, you know, hanging out listening to either En Sync or the Spice Girls, whatever they were into. I was always a good kid. Siempre me gustaba jugar a la escuela por eso soy maestro, but happy memories, always también metido enido en la iglesia, yo creo que sí, mi casa, mi casa era mi primera lugar, pero también mi chucho, porque era justo hacia donde he lived y así siempre he metido fun memories, hermosas memories de ser chuchos. Sí, es increíble. También under what must have been like, to have grown up in the city of LA because you don't meet a lot of people that are from LA, that grew up in LA. Yeah, well, at least I don't. My community city tears, I'm from the 90s, so I'm about to be 30 years old. So, you know, the neighborhood was kind of rough at times. You had the gangsters and the chowelos and you had to be careful. But it was nice because you were able to play outside with your friends and, you know, enjoy the nice Los Angeles weather. So it was nice to grow up in Los Angeles. That's a very interesting time to be growing up in LA as well, I think. So are you aware from the early stages of your life that you're different or is it something that for you comes later in life? No, I definitivamente me metí como un niño que me fue diferente. Creo que tengo memorías como por debajo cuando me fui en kindergarten, cuatro o cinco años y veía las novelas. Y había una en particular que me gustaba y me me fue atractado a el protagonista que era is Fernando Carrillo. I was always very glued to the TV or sometimes I would see, I would go to the hair salon with my mom and there was... I was on the magazine, the TV and all that. I would always kind of skim and kind of look through, but I also had that notion of like I have to be kind of careful because it's not what other boys are doing, you know, as a young kindergarten or I think at that time you would think boys well they're playing with cars or they're into video games or they're just being rough and getting messy and dirty outside and yes or no, so as a young kid I, you know, o en los videos, o en los videos, o en los videos, o en los videos, o en los videos, o en los videos, o en los videos, o en los videos, o en los videos, o en los videos, o en los videos, o en los videos, o en los videos, o en los videos, o en los videos, o en los videos, o en los videos, o en los videos, o en los videos, no sabía que era la palabra gay, fui conociendo la palabra y más o menos aceptando que yo era parte de esa comunidad, pero he was n'ancho que estaba ya en la secundaria, y no, que es donde vas a... I was talking about having this notion that you're not like the other kids, did that make you feel, how did it make you feel? I felt safe, but there was times where, like I have this memory of like, and they were kind of getting along really well, like that father figure and son, and it wasn't me in that equation. Like it wasn't like I was so a big fan of soccer and into that and there was times where I was kind of sad, but I just kind of pushed through and know they have a, that those emotions, those like sad emotions, took over me. You also spoke about church being like a second place. Were you, were you able to make like a lot of friends there? Things like that? See, I was able to meet, I was very close with like the priest and the religious education education program Ayudhava. I was an altar server, cantando neboro. And then, so, conocía muchas personas from my age to a lot older. But yeah, it was definitely, everybody knew me, me conocían por nombre, a veces yo no los conocía ellos, pero, era muy popular. Pero los saludaba de todos modos. Sí, todos modos, no tenemos que hacer por de ali, porque me sentan a mis papás, pero sí, ¿eh? Eso es muy cool. Entonces, vamos a ver la secundaria. ¿Y tú, tipo, hay un poco más de una sensación de cómo estás ahora? ¿Qué fue esa procesa para tú? Pues había, y creo que va, conecta con lo de la iglesia y está en conociendo diferentes personas porque conozco una chica en el coro. Y, ¿no? ¿No? ¿No? ¿ for me, it went over my head, but she had a crush on me. She had a crush on me. She wanted to like, be in a relationship. So I was like, okay, I mean, I have this feeling of being different, but I'm just gonna go with it. And so, you know, we were friends and a little bit more, you know, we made it into each other's top eight on my space. But I remember that I saw her once and I said, oh, I love her to a hug and yes, I'm going to a hug and I was like, oh, I'm just hugging my sister. Like, it was not so that I was attracted to her. And so I think that she also started to grow up more, so that I'm not attracted to a female. I, you know, these memories, those ideas that I had as a young kid with Las Novelas, you'd be in the really attractive men, they started to come back and you start investigating. You do investigating. You have puberty lessons in middle school so then I start to get to know what the word gay is and so at that point I wasn't really accepting it you know you go through these waves as a as a adolescent or a preteen or teenager they can look at is you don't don't want to belong in certain groups and certain categories. And so I didn't want to accept it. And I kind of was like, if I am gay, this is going to be a secret that I'm never going to tell anyone. It's a secret that I'm going to take it up to my grave because I was like, what are my parents going to say? What is my family going to say? My community, especially the people that know me and see me at church. So, era una cosa de que me lo voy a, I'm gonna hold it in, that the net. Yeah. I would imagine from what it sounds like that maybe you didn't share it with somebody else at the time? No, Nadian. No le di Kenia, La Chica, Get them bien.

I even, I think, ghosted her.

I didn't even know, you know, ghosting was a word yet, but I did ghost her after that. Because, yeah, I was like, you're cool in everything, but I just don't want you to fall for me. I don't have those feelings for you. and I wasn't brave enough to tell her straight up,

but yeah, I didn't, I know the end.

Talk to me about what you told me, you know, the space where you start to kind of want to find out more about what it is and really understand and explore. What was that process like for you? That process, you know, I started to go onto like chat rooms online. Chat rooms were a thing. I think it was like on AOL or something. There was some chat rooms and I would go on and there was chat rooms for teenagers. And I remember just kind of going on there at first. It was like just to peak and see what are people talking about. And then I would kind of, okay, put it away because I was like, I got scared or I was just like, not sure. But then I kept looking and going on and reading stuff. And I would go on there and chat with other guys and hear about their experiences. And, you know, I started to make those connections. And then what happened? The ye, I was probably about 15 of freshman in high school. I met someone on that chat, someone from from LA. We were talking virtually because you know you never know who's on the other side. talking and kind of sharing pictures and we started to hit it off really well. It was I remember it was a summer thing. It was like the summer and so talking 24 seven, skyping every night, chatting on the phone, texting and I started to fall for this guy. And we went on several dates, and from there, I had my first experiences, like my first kiss, my first hand holding, and then I kinda knew, and I was able to accept or kind of solidify that, see, soy gay, and this is kind of what I want. Pero todavía no salir a desirle a nadie. No, I had not told anyone. But just feeling more comfortable in your own shoes. Were you feeling comfortable or were you still rejecting yourself? A little bit of both, because there is that side of, I like talking to this person, I like talking to this guy, but it's good. Chabak was says the ladle, they me familiar where like it wasn't okay to be gay, like certain things that you wear, you know, that that makes you gay. And at first I was kind of like nope with sever that and I'm not going going to do that even though I wanted to wear certain things or I wanted to do things certain things. No lo asi appur lo que les y en mis papás. But then I started to kind of push through and I'll like one thing was like wearing tanks like as a guy was something that my mom was like oh guy shouldn't be wearing that you know that makes them look gay and whatnot and there came a point where I was like no it really doesn't and I kind of went against her and I bought myself my own tanks and I wore them and you know at first no ma bella no, ma, la ma, por un tiempo, it was something that she was like, the VH and you still kind of went against. And, um, but I knew that at that point that, you know, I kind of was starting to accept myself. And I, and I needed to kind of push a little bit of those boundaries to kind of have her open up and kind of see that that I'm a little like I'm different if that makes any sense. It totally does. Was this maybe also a part of you thinking I might tell them soon? Or is this still a part of your a part of your life where you're thinking I'm never going to tell anybody? It was it was part of my life that I wasn't telling anyone, not yet. I think I told like one cousin, one cousin that I really trusted and she knew because she would kind of sneak me out to my dates and she was my right pickup or something. But yeah, nobody really knew. And that relationship or that situation that I had with that first guy was mostly like, it was a summer thing, a summer fling where I was left crushed at the end. And I was still in high school. I wanted to navigate more of that. I was at a different school with different people and I wanted to feel comfortable in my own skin. You know they had to get navi in Osamae de Hira algo, like if I wanted to be part of the theater club, like that's okay, like that's me and I want to do that, or if I wanted to, you know, sing in the school choir or whatever, that that was okay. Even though there was boys that would kind of make fun of me and kind of make, like tease me about it, but I was kind of starting to become comfortable with my own skin, but not saying anything that I was gay. That's very interesting to me. What do you think that confidence is coming from? That confidence I think was coming from I was getting older I was Social media was coming around a lot more seeing people kind of open up and be Their own cells and I kind of wanted that myself self. So I think social media played a role. I mean, it definitely sounds like seeing other people kind of doing their thing was for sure like a trigger for you to kind of be like me too. Mm-hmm. That's really cool. I mean, that's really cool. Yeah, it was, I think I was, and I believe that, you know, God puts you in certain places at certain times, and this was like that moment where being gay and kind of other people starting to speak up and open up was starting to come out. And I was like, okay, if they can do it, I can do it too. But it took me a while for me to kind of open to my immediate family and say, I am gay. I think it took maybe like six years. What was that process like for you? It was a challenging process. I went away. Can you, sorry to interrupt you so quick, but can I ask you, what was it that you were most afraid of when you would think of, or I might actually have this conversation now? I was afraid of if my parents were going to accept me. That I think was the biggest thing to see me when I said that. Because you hear and read all these stories of people's experiences where they get kicked out of their home or parents kind of like disowned them in Nokidi ISO. But also like in my mind I was like, well no, I don't think my parents are like that. No one has said it. So so it yeah, it was I went off to college. I went to we're actually for for Matadors were fellow. I went to Cal State North Ridge and I lived out there. And so I was able to again, I was away from my family and the people in my community where I was able to kind of be myself and I'm not going to hide there. I did kind of start opening up to my peers and you know attending the social groups and going into the pride center. So I was accepting myself, but also when I would come back to East Los Angeles, I was kind of the other Matthew, the other life that I wasn't, not Cal State Northridge or in the Valley. Going back to your question about when I decide and how it happened, in my head, I always thought, well, if there's ever a time that I'm going to come out, it has to be when maybe I've graduated from college, I have a career, and I have a partner, so way like my parents can see, oh, look at what he's done. He's achieved all of these things and he's fine, he's okay, like they'll accept me then. I don't think it was because up until then, at Papano via, you know, spoken about, you know, blessings of gay couples. So I really, I was attending church, but I wasn't really practicing it because I did and agree 100% with their ideas. I was practicing it in my own way, but I don't think church really kind of influenced me in that decision. But what really did, and I'm being really honest with you, what kind of made me decide and opening up and coming out to my family was listening to your podcast. I don't know, I discovered it somehow and I would go to the gym and Bonilla on Neppe Sorio and I was just listening. And those episodes, it was earlier on maybe in 2019. I don't remember what season it was, but those episodes and listening to those narratives really did give me the strength to come out. Wow, that means so much. Thank you for sharing that. How did you find the podcast? On the Apple, the podcast through Apple. Yeah. Not so cool. That's I'm fascinated by it. Yeah, it was just one of those days that I was like, okay, let me see what's on here. And I think I wanted to hear accounts like gay stories. And so I found, you know, the boy look at the liqueuille gay and just how, you know, the struggles other guys had also felt of experience. And it was also like June. So it was pride month. And that also played an influence too. Yeah, that's that's so interesting to me because obviously I would imagine that at the time you didn't even know how you were going to tell your family about your story. And here you are now on the podcast telling your story. So that to me, that gives me a lot to know that you've been on this very personal, profound journey with the podcast and that you're here today to tell your story. It's crazy. Yeah, it's like a full circle moment. Nonka penceke talvis. I had the the strength to tell my story, but when you, you know, put on Instagram, if there was anybody willing, I was like, okay, I think I'm ready.

I think it's been five years.

It's about to be five years since I decided to come out.

And possiblement, my story can also help someone else

or give strength to them to want to open up

and be themselves.

Be with me.

A hundred percent. Now I believe in worth about taking so long to book you. and up and be themselves. Yeah, 100%.

Now I feel even worse about taking so long to book you. My God. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry a thousand times. I'm so sorry. But tell me, how did it actually happen? OK, so you finally come to terms and you're going to have this conversation. What was it like? Yeah, so I can tell you it's like a like one of those home videos that I still have in my memory. Like I can tell you the day, I can tell you the time, I can tell you what was going on. It was June 13th, 2019. Again, I had been listening to some of your episodes. I had met someone I had been going out on dates with them.

Yani mama mis mis tabaka chando she was already kind of sensing something because I said a lie of who I was going out with and it wasn't them. But I was just over it and I said you know what?

I went over to the kitchen where my mom was

and they said that I know what? I went over to the kitchen where my mom was. I'm still the same person. I'm still the same person you've raised. But I wanted to share with you that I am gay and in that moment it was it was a shock for her no se lo espiraba and you know you're kind of there just standing there what's gonna happen she did start to cry come and say yo rad y medio una abrazo medio una abrazo y desde momento supe que era ok, yo he quedado una de dos sonros, la segunda vez era mi dad y si no sabía cómo era el día de la noche, y en realidad yo no le dije no tuve la oportunidad de decirle a mi papa, mi mamá me the gun and she kind of shared it with him y it didn't go too well. I was not there in that moment cuando le dijo pero me acuerdo que... se enojo y yo creo que de nojo se puso a cortar el sacate y él, he was, like, saying all these things. I can kind of just see him from the window when my mom kind of told him. And my mom was just like, you know what? It might be best that you go with your sister, leave the house for a bit, maybe the night, let him kind of think about it, kind of digest it, and then see how it goes from there. Emefui, Meehirmanam, she hosted me for the night, and then I came back home and I didn't come front my dad, you know, I avoided him because I was scared. I was, you know, it was, I think of, I picture myself like a turtle. Like, I was coming out of my shell and I've had already said, you know, what I wanted to say and be free. And I did feel some weight off my shoulders, but I'll, like regresé a entrar en mi chile, en mi cuancia. Entonces mi dad y me Didn't speak, por algún momento, vivimos en la misma casa, pero me estoy muy bien muy bien, y hasta un día, me quedé en casa. Y me grito, me dijo varias cosas que nunca se me va a olvidar. y It was just him and I at home. And Vino and

Megrito me dijo varias cosas que nunca se me volví dar, you know my parents Born and raised in Mexico the different generations different discos tumbre ideas y valores and so my dad was just like, you know, Que es eso? You don't have to teach me how to do it.

And I tried to explain that it wasn't something that was taught. It was, I was born in this way. I see soy. And, you know, he even asked me like, have you even been with a woman? Like, do you even know the experience? And I and I just said like I don't have to Nothing go get what gay noise look at your kiddo and so you know he walked away and you know I just I started to cry I started to cry and For some time again from then on I didn't talk to my dad for several, maybe several weeks, almost, almost months. But yeah, that was, that was how it went down. Well, thank you so much for sharing that. I'm so sorry that it went down the way that it did. I'm curious if I may ask you in that time that you weren't speaking to your father in those seven months that you just mentioned. Did you think maybe that was it with your relationship or were you hopeful that there would be some resolution? I was hopeful I didn't think that that was going to be it because I was still you know living at home and he's still my dad regardless of whatever he told me like I still love him and care about him. So it wasn't like, you know, this is it. But I was just going to allow him to process on his own. And if there was a moment or ever, you know, that he was ready to talk about it or, you know, get to know what what I was feeling, then I was going to gladly talk to him about it and welcome it. And so, but it was just one of those things, I think those conversations can no city say, no sabotein, you kind of kind of brush it under the rug. And that's what we did. We did not speak about it from there. You know, I did introduce him to my partner and at first he was uncomfortable around him. And so I did kind of like try not to push it too much, but I can say now like five years, five years later, he's totally comfortable with my partner, Los Alu da, you know, he thinks highly of him. So even though we did not talk about the situation or the discussion, I think he's sort of come to terms.

That's good to hear. Do you need to talk to him again about it? That's a good question. I think so. I think that it's easy to brush things under the rug, but that little lump under there is still there. But I send that, you know, those scars, I think we do need to talk about it. When will that conversation be? I'm not too sure yet. Most of the way, Siguro, that whisper with us in, you know, soon as, you know, my partner and I are thinking of moving on and doing things, you know, moving away. And then says Talbis, it's a city and momento, but I don't know when. Yeah, what about with your mom? Do you both ever talk about the subject and do you share with her? I do share, you started to ask me about my relationship and I took it as, okay, she wants to know. She started to, you know, other cousins started to come out in my family too. And so she was also accepting of them and was like, okay, I haven't talked about like directly the topic, but she's supportive of my relationship and she talks to my partner, so it's fun, yeah. Yeah, that's great. What about your relationship? Tell me about that. See, yeah, my partner and I, so funny story. The same day that I come out is the same day that my partner and I officially, we make it official. Oh wow. Yeah. That lot happened. A lot happened on that June 13, 14th of 2019. Yeah, you know, he had already, you know, come out to his family years before. So he knew what it was like and he was immediately there when, you know, I left my home for a bit and we had already been going out for several months before that. And yeah, we made it official and five years, it will be five years together in June. So we have our careers going and we'll be moving out together. Congratulations. That's amazing. I'm so happy to hear that about you both. Let me ask you a question that I don't think of as to anybody on this podcast. as you're growing and as you're discovering

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