You don't know me.

A confession I can't take back.

I am.

The masked speaker.

Text to 78592 says a beautiful young woman moved in next door.

For some reason, I told her that I teach physics at the local university.

But really, I work at the 7-11,

three streets down.

She's going to see you there.

That's a stupid lie.

He says, I'm dreading the day she has to stop in for a slushy and a ta-kito.

I don't know.

Teacher's salaries, even professors, you could just say it's your side game.

Yeah.

I can give you the psychology of the perfect slushy.

Everybody's got a secret to hide no matter how small or big gulp-sized it might be.

The one that we're about to hear today, though, apparently has been tucked away for almost half a decade.

And now we're going to be the ones fortunate enough to hear it right here on the mass speaker because we've got a woman on the phone who's chosen Carrie is her fake name. So Carrie, welcome to the show. Hi, guys. Thank you. Describing something as half a decade has so much more gravity than just saying five years. Yeah, five years is like a blink of an eye. Half a decade's like 50 years. Sorry, I was trying to add some drama to it for you, Carrie. Yeah, I liked it. Voice Changer is on. You are the mass speaker. Whenever you're ready, let's hear your confession. Okay. So I have to say now I'm pretty, maybe disgusted with myself, but I did this. Even with a voice changer,

I can tell you have a smile on your face. So that's odd, that's how you're feeling. Low-key, like, I was funny for this. And I was going through a hard time. I still think I'm kind of justified. All right. I was dating this guy for like a year and a half. Okay. I was so in love with him. I found out he was cheating on me with a pretty good friend of mine.

Oh. Oh, God. Dude, I feel like that hurts more from the friend's side than even the guy's side. Yeah. A hundred percent. This is why friends just aren't worth it. Sorry, keep going. But even worse, he ended up leaving me for her. I was totally devastated, you know, but they came to me and they claimed like, oh, we're in love and they just couldn't deny the feelings that developed. They never meant to hurt me, whatever. In their minds, they're like, it's okay to cheat if it's true love. Yeah. So you have to understand. Exactly. It's just like a Disney movie. Right. Okay. So I'm sure you received that so well. Right. I mean, I just could knock it over. I thought that part of it was like total BS. And then to make things even better, they got pregnant. Oh. Almost immediately.

Almost immediately?

It was like three months into dating.

...