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Hello and welcome to Anatomy of Marriage. I'm your host Melanie Studley. What's up my friends? My name is Seth Studley. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist. Today we're talking about, it ain't your spouse's job to make you happy.

That's right, let's go!

Hey you guys, we are back and we are talking about, it is not your spouse's job to make you happy. Hashtag differentiation. This is the thing that we talk about a lot with our coaching clients. It's a very hard concept to get people to understand because our culture has it twisted and every single movie is like, you complete me.

And then everybody lives happily, miserably after ever. In this ran a big old snow plow through our marriage for a long time and so I looked up the definition of differentiation and it was zero helpful. It said the act of differentiation. I'm like, okay, that's great.

So I looked up differentiate and this is a term that I first learned in graduate school. We're talking about family of origin and breaking away from who you are in your family and all this stuff. And to differentiate means to make or become different in the process of growth or development.

And I love that. I've never actually looked it up but I knew is the act of becoming different from being here to there. We're not the same, we're different people. There's similarities that we have but this is the act to make or become different in the process of growth or development.

Which I got excited about that because we always talk about growth mindset and getting out of any kind of poverty mentality or scarcity mentality. And this is becoming different with the idea of growing, which is great.

Yeah, I like that definition.

Excuse me, my gosh. One thing I think is really wonderful about differentiation, especially pearly description you just brought up is that often when we start out our relationships, it's that whole like we're just so in love, we complete each other's sentences, we have the same thoughts, we blah, blah, blah.

And in the beginning, we're very, we skipped over that part.

We're very sort of melded together when we're first in relationships, we, we often will sort like we do what the other person wants because we're like, oh, is that okay?

I mean, we just sort of meld and do what they want. And so we're we are very much not differentiated, right? Think of people who are just dating. What are they?

Annoying because they have no, no ideas of their own. They're just like talk about their partner endlessly. Yeah, I got it. They love spinach. Great. And you don't care because you know that it's like kind of not real.

But the great part about this is that and what I wish everybody knew and I wish that we had known right is that as you mature as you go through life together, have experiences, have children or whatever, buy a house together.

You should always be growing in that process. And as you're growing, you're becoming sort of more solid in yourself. You're differentiating, but that does not mean you're like, hey, if you flip you a bird.

Because that's what typically happens is when people start differentiating, it feels scary.

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