One, drive with your legs. Two, wrap your arms around the thighs. Three, be the first back up to your feet.

T-B-T-L is Rugby Packwards on 97-3-F-F Cairo.

Kids at school, they call me names. This is Stutterworth, the Stutterfingers.

Stuttermouth pancakes. The better thing will open up a lot of doors for them.

You know, I wore corrective shoes as a kid.

When I was born, I had a malformed extra baby foot extending from my actual foot.

They think maybe I ate my twin.

But after the surgery to remove it, I walked pigeon-toed.

So, all through grade school, I had to wear corrective foot gear that attached to a head gear.

Don't worry. This is a very, very non-judgmental lot.

Here on a Wednesday night edition of T-B-T-L, the show that's probably too beautiful to live.

I'm your host, Luke Perbank, weighing in at 189 pounds.

It just fills the cracks of the heart.

I have small victories last night.

Vanessa made a very, very healthy meal, some chicken breast baked, some vegetables.

Up until about one o'clock, I was, A-M, that is, everything was going fine.

I was well on my way to shedding a couple of pounds.

Then I got into the Oreos, that nasty stuff.

You have Oreos in your house? That's like danger.

Not anymore.

Literally like having a danger zone in your house.

Peligroso.

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