Hey girl, what's up with you?

Wait a minute, is this the right number?

It's the loser line.

Come on, just call me back.

If you haven't heard the loser line before, it works like this.

Let's say someone approaches you when you're out at the club and uses this charming pickup line on you.

Excuse me, miss.

Is your name Earl Gray?

What?

Because you definitely look like a hot tea.

Oh, hot, hotie.

Hotty.

Whatever you do, don't hawk a lugee straight into his generic brand soda.

Instead, tell them to come meet you over at 7-Eleven, where you can mix three flavors in one. You know what that means, because I don't. And that's when he gives him the number to the loser lines, so hopefully he calls it leaves an awkward voicemail. We can play over the air. Voicemails like this one. Next message. Jenna, it's, it's c'u-oh. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I just, I had to call you because, uh, guess what?

I did it. I freaking did it. Uh, I took your advice and I got my Costco membership.

Like, oh my God. I can't believe it. I like, honestly, you were, you were right. I, like, I didn't believe you. I didn't believe it honestly you were

you were right

I like I didn't believe you

but it's true

I just

I feel like different now

I feel like

...