Hey girl

What's up with you? Wait a minute, is this the right number? It's the loser line. Come on, just call me back. If you haven't heard the loser line before, it works like this. Let's say someone approaches you when you're out of the club. Yeah, that's the one. You've already been at the club. Obviously, I have too many. And he uses this charming pickup line on you.

I've got one ply.

I've got two plies.

But all I really want is your re-ply.

Hey.

Yeah.

Toilet paper pickup line.

Hit me up on my Instagram at T.P. Timmy.

Whatever you do, do not go to that Instagram page, because you will never be able to flush

away the images of what you find there. Instead, touch him on his elbow and then ask if he wants

to go toilet paper a house with you sometime. And that's when you give him the number to the

loser line. So hopefully he calls it

and leaves an awkward voicemail. We can play over the air. Voicemails like this one.

Next message. Hey, it's niggis. I don't know if you remember me, but I just wanted to call you

because something's been on my mind. Because you know, when we met,

you had told me that you lost your cat. And I felt really, really bad. And I said I was sorry about

that. But now it's just occurring to me, like, why didn't I offer to help her look or do something?

I mean, I was so focused on impressing you and looking good.

Like, I forgot to be a good guy.

So sorry about all that.

This is me calling, saying I would really like to help.

...