Hey girl, what's up with you?

Wait a minute, is this the right number?

It's, um, the loser line.

Come on, just call me back.

If you haven't heard the loser line before, it works like this.

Let's say someone approaches you while you're out at the club and uses this charming pickup line on you.

Hey, pretty lady.

My name is Abe, and I'm a thrice divorceddivorced college professor at the U of L.

Wait, you're still working?

That's a university of love.

Oh.

Nice.

My class is learning about important dates and history.

You want to be one of home.

Oh, my God.

Smooth.

And whatever you do, don't tell them that the 1940s called and they want their zoot suit back. Instead, give him the number of the loser lines, so hopefully he calls you and leaves an awkward voicemail that we can play on the air. Voicemails like this one. Next message. Hey, Jess. I was at the coffee shop earlier today and I saw you weren't working, but I don't know if it was you, but I saw this joke of the week chalkboard that you guys had put up.

I mean, it really livened the place up. And actually, I'm working my way toward being a comic. And so I think I've got some material that you guys might really like and might be perfect.

Like, for example, so I noticed that you guys have this drink called Reese's Frozen Thunder.

Well, anyway, Frozen Thunder was my name when I was a stripper in Alaska.

You know what the opposite of coffee is?

A sneezy.

...