Hey girl, what's up with you?

Wait a minute, is this the right number?

It's the loser line.

Come on, just call me back.

If you haven't heard the loser line before, it works like this.

Let's say a guy approaches you while you're out at the club and uses this charming pickup line on you.

Hey there, signorita.

Oh.

You must be a straight-A student, because name's Dean and you just made my list.

Oh, boy, Dean's list.

Yeah.

Do they still have those anymore?

Yeah.

So everybody just get a participation ribbon now.

Wow, and you got to put him down at the same time. And after he drops that line, whatever you do, don't ask him about what it was like going to college in the 1940s. No, I can spin a yarn. Why don't you have a seat in my lap there? Instead, give him the number of the loser line, so hopefully he leaves an awkward voicemail we can play over the air.

Voicemails like this one.

Next message.

Hey, Ashley, it's Chuck.

I met you at the fertility clinic.

I actually asked you for your phone number to thank you.

You know, they have the private booths with the magazines and videos to help you get the job done.

I had actually gone there a few times and none of that stuff was working for me, but you did the trick.

...