1995. I met my wife in 1995 at a bar in the days before you ordered your date off the internet.

And let me tell you if there ever was a lottery to be played with the universe, it's two people

getting drunk at a dive bar and then deciding they can make a go at it for the rest of their lives. I think about it, like if one of

my kids told us, I think I just met the love of my life doing two-for-one shots at the Atomic

Kitty Lounge, my wife and I would lock them in a closet for a day because we are hypocrites

and we can live with that. But as trustworthy as online profiles are,

I'm not sure we were any smarter. And it's tough telling my sons about the first moment I saw

their mom because I'm like, yeah, she had a bottle of beer between her mouth and my first thought

was, damn, I wish I was that beer.

We had our crazy times before kids and after kids, for that matter. We dated and lived together

for seven years before we got married. You know somebody by then. You cannot fake being on your

best behavior for that long. Everyone should live together

a few years before they get married and people will figure it out whether or not they're meant

to be together for life. Will your partner be as hot and heavy for you by the time you get

married if you do wait that long? No, but don't get me wrong because I am blessed

that we are still attracted to each other, but you know what I'm saying. The first years of any

new relationship are different. You can't expect all the years in a long relationship to have the

same level of lust. Don't get married if that's what you expect. And some

dads out there know what I'm saying, that my kids owe me more for their lives than their

mom. Because if I didn't make a fuss, she still would have never been in the mood to create

you boys. Them hearing that joke makes my boys cringe, as it probably should. Thinking you

were born from a Me Too moment can't be easy. So I'm just kidding, boys, your mom initiated it,

...