Kevin Nealon Returns Once More

Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend

Team Coco & Earwolf

Comedy

4.8 • 59.3K Ratings

🗓️ 9 February 2026

⏱️ 61 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

Comedian Kevin Nealon feels nothing about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Kevin sits down with Conan once more to discuss how a certain cat and a pair of jeans inspired the title of his new stand-up special Loose in the Crotch, painting celebrity caricatures, sneezing loudly, and futile attempts to support each other. Later, Conan demands to know how Sona and Matt would spend their lives without the performing arts. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: (669) 587-2847.

Transcript

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0:00.0	My name is Kevin Elyan, and I feel nothing about being Colonel
0:10.0	O'Brien's friend.
0:11.0	You feel nothing.
0:12.0	Nothing at all.
0:13.0	I'm dead inside.
0:15.0	Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, Ring the bell Brand new shoes
0:22.0	Walking loose
0:23.2	Climb the fence
0:24.5	Books and pens
0:25.7	I can tell that we are going to be friends
0:29.2	Yes I can tell that we are going to be friends
0:35.0	Hey everybody and welcome to Conan O'Brien needs a friend, joined as always by Sonam Obsessian.
0:39.9	Yes.
0:40.5	And Matt Goreley.
0:42.4	Hello.
0:42.8	We were just talking about this a second ago.
0:44.6	It's occurred to me a bunch that if I was turned out into the real workforce now, as I am, with my whatever, I'm going to call them skills, just to be generous to myself, I would not be able to get any job. And I do think, no, I'm being serious here. I don't know who you were. Yeah, yeah, if you could wave a magic wand and people, first of all, if they didn't know who I was, that might be an advantage. But if I was thrown out into the world and I don't have the ability to go, hey, maybe you've seen some of my videos on YouTube or whatever. You can watch me in the old days. Come on. Let me work here at this bar. If I didn't have that to work with and I just had to go by my skills, I think I would starve to death. And I'm wondering, I mean, history teacher, I think,
1:28.5	you know, you could do it. You could be a good teacher. Yeah, but they have to know, I don't have a, I'm not disciplined about it. I like to read all that stuff and I have a lot of weird knowledge, but I can't teach a class and I shouldn't teach a class. Um, give everyone A's. You'd just feel bad, I feel like.
1:43.5	Yeah, if you read it,
1:44.7	you'd be like, oh, they tried.
1:46.3	Except if a kid was really dumb, I'd really go after him. Oh, no. No, I mean after school, I'd like follow him. Oh, okay. I thought you meant in class. I said like, I'm going to kill you. That kind of, I'll get you, I'll kill you. I put a bag over my head. You know, then he gets you. You think all you need.
2:03.7	See, Mr. O' of, I'll get you, I'll kill you. I'd put a bag over my head.
	...

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