Let's talk about Keir Stalmers' Christmas.

So he's hold up in number 10.

In Chequers, I imagine, actually.

Okay, okay.

This has already gone wrong.

He's holed up in Chequers.

I think so. I don't know.

I mean, he's so boring. He'll probably stay at number 10. Checkers is, of course, the Prime Minister's Grace and Favor House in Buckingshire. It's a sort of Tudor. It is, I think, originally a Tudor building. So it looks suitably Christmassy, actually. Did George and Dave ever have you to their grace and favour of piles for Christmas or the festive period?

No. So it looks suitably Christmassy actually. Did George and Dave ever have you to their grace and favour paths for Christmas or the festive period?

No, I did manage to get to check us two or three times, which was fun.

And I finally, finally hunted down George Osborne, and he finally relented and invited me to lunch at Dorneywood.

I've never been to Chevening though.

Ooh, no.

Anyway, we've established that Sequeer and his wonderful wife, Victoria, are in Chequers.

And there he is, he's in bed, he's got his nightcap on and his pyjamas.

He's got a brandy next to him.

But suddenly, a light flashes in the room.

The curtains of his bed, he's in a full poster of course, are drawn aside by a strange figure.

Sir Keir Starmer, in a quavering voice, says, are you the spirit whose coming was foretold to me? Who is the spirit, Patrick?

It is the ghost of Christmas Pass. It's the ghost of Starma Pass. It's the ghost of Labor Past.

And it's a flame-haired woman looming indistinctly through the window. And as he looks groggly up, you know, when you're a man of a certain age, you'll wake up and everything's hazy.

And all he can see is this shock of red hair and he thinks is it Louise Haig, the woman I slapped as Transport Secretary,

...