Episode 45 – Transition from Driver to Non-Driver

As our loved ones grow older, there are many difficult decisions that we might have to discuss with them. When we notice their physical or mental health begin to decline, it is important that we make sure their new limitations are not putting them in danger.

Whether your mom is having trouble using the stairs or your dad is struggling to remember to turn the oven off, there are many new obstacles to look out for. One of these obstacles is driving – and making the transition from driver to non-driver can feel like a big blow to mom and dad – so it’s essential that you’re well prepared for the conversation. That means knowing the warning signs, understanding the emotional impact this decision will make, and having a transportation plan in place.

Many people are hesitant to begin this difficult conversation with their parents or grandparents. Without the ability to drive, our parents are stripped of a great deal of their freedom. No one wants to rely on someone else every time they need to run an errand or visit a friend. It’s easy to feel trapped at home with no access to a vehicle, especially for a person who is struggling with mobility – when walking might not be an option. Even so, it’s essential to take the steps to begin the transition.

It’s just too risky. According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, 712 older adult drivers are injured in car accidents every day. Of those, 19 older adults are killed. Further, according to the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety, people aged 70 or older have an increased chance of fatal car accidents – largely because their bodies are frail and are no longer prepared to protect them from major injury.

Now, we’re not saying that your Mom or Dad need to stop driving when they turn 70. If they are in great health and there are no warning signs to indicate that it’s time to turn in the keys, then you do not need to rush to make this decision. However, if your parent is showing the warning signs, you’ll want to begin the transition right away.

There are many red flags to look out for when it comes to your parents’ driving. If possible, join them for car rides so you can be aware of how they are doing behind the wheel. If you do not live nearby, have a trusted friend or family member drive around with them and report back to you.

Possible warning signs include failing to stop at red lights or stop signs, failing to slow down at yellow lights, failing to yield the right of way, failing to turn on turn signals, an inability to stay in the right lane, driving above or below the speed limit, and getting lost – especially on familiar routes.

It’s time to act when you notice more than one of these signs or notice that one sign is happening on a semi-frequent or frequent basis. Remember – everyone makes mistakes, so don’t jump to taking the keys if there’s one missed turn signal. But if your parent is getting lost or running reds, it’s essential to their safety and the safety of other drivers to get them off the road. 

If you’re not able to drive with your loved one and don’t have a friend available to do so, there are other ways to check in on their driving ability. In a gentle, non-confrontational way, you can ask your parent if they have obtained any traffic tickets recently. You can also ask if their car insurance has gone up – which may indicate that they’ve been pulled over. If you don’t think they will share this information with you, check their car for any signs of damage when Mom or Dad are not around – are their dents or scratches that might indicate a recent fender bender?

Check in with friends and family, too. If you find out that your Mom or Dad has been staying home more often than usual, or that they are coming up with excuses not to get behind the wheel, this could indicate that they know there’s a problem. If this is the case with your parent, it will likely be easier to begin the transition, as they are already beginning to accept the truth of the matter themselves.

Finally, if your parent or grandparent has been diagnosed with any age-related conditions, such as arthritis, Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s, or hearing or sight loss – it’s a wise move to stop them from driving. The same is true if your parent has recently suffered a stroke or seizure or if they are on new medications that have dizzying or drowsy side effects.

If you notice any or all of these warning signs, it’s time to begin the conversation. Remember, this conversation can be an especially difficult one, so you want to go about it in a kind, gentle, and patient manner. Many older adults do not want to accept when it’s time to let go of the keys. Not only will they be losing a significant amount of their freedom, but they will also have to face the hard truth that they are not as spry and capable as they once were.

When you begin the conversation, try your best not to sound accusatory or impatient. You want your loved one to know that you support them and you are on their side – that you will help them to make this transition as easy as possible. If they feel that you are lecturing them or belittling them, they are less likely to listen to what you have to say.

An excellent way to begin the conversation is with a question. Ask your loved one how they feel they are doing behind the wheel. Then, have them tell you their own anxieties and concerns when it comes to being on the road. If you are noticing that your parent has been struggling behind the wheel, they most likely have to – and could use someone to vent to about it. Allowing them to navigate this conversation in a safe, supportive setting can also guide them into making the decision to stop driving themselves.

Acknowledge your loved one’s fears. If your mom or dad is worried about how they will get to their appointments and activities, validate this feeling. Rather than offering a solution right away, listen to their fears and appreciate them. Say things like, “I know you are worried that giving up driving might mean losing some of the things you love.” Then, after you’ve acknowledged this, gently come up with a solution together – that you both feel great about. Whether that’s setting up a carpool or creating a public transportation plan, make sure it’s a solution that your mom or dad can come to terms with.

Be willing to have a long conversation. It’s common for the driving discussion to turn into a time of reminiscing – about previous road trips, the day your parent got his first car, or even seemingly unrelated memories. Try not to interrupt your parent or get them back on track – remembering is an important part of the grieving process and losing the ability to drive is a loss that your parent must grieve. You will likely find that after a sentimental trip down memory lane, your parent might even be more willing to let go and move on.

Finally, you can always have your parents’ doctor break the news when it’s time to stop driving. Your parent is likely to listen to a medical professional, especially if there is a health reason to stop driving like Parkinson’s disease or another ailment. The doctor will be able to explain the situation in a polite, formal matter that will be difficult to argue with.

If all else fails, you can write a letter to the DMV explaining your parents’ situation. The hard truth is this isn’t a debate you want to lose. If you’ve noticed the warning signs, then it’s simply too dangerous for them to be on the road anymore. Contacting the DMV without consulting your parent first, however, should be a last resort.

The good news is that, except in extreme circumstances, your loved one will not have to stop driving all at once.

Create a plan with your mom or dad in which they are driving only under safer conditions. Usually, this means only driving during the day – not during heavy traffic hours – and only in familiar areas. It may be necessary to reschedule appointments and events to match this new driving schedule – if your parent or grandparent is especially active at night, encourage them to move some of their activities to the daytime.

Gradually, your parent will transition away from driving altogether. When this happens, make sure you know their schedule and have a ride available for them – whether it’s public transportation or carpool. It will be a hard adjustment, but it will be a big relief to know that your loved one is safe. If you are able to help them make a slow transition from driving to not driving, this will make the process even easier.

It’s not easy for our loved ones to accept when it’s time to stop driving – but we know that sometimes it’s the only choice. Remember to be patient, gentle, and have a plan in place.

We want to thank you for joining us here at All Home Care Matters, All Home Care Matters is here for you and to help families as they navigate long-term care issues. Please visit us at allhomecarematters.com there is a private secure fillable form there where you can give us feedback, show ideas, or if you have questions. Every form is read and responded to. If you know someone who could benefit from this episode, please share it with them.

Remember, you can listen to the show on any of your favorite podcast streaming platforms and watch the show on our YouTube channel and make sure to hit that subscribe button, so you'll never miss an episode. Please Join us next time on All Home Care Matters when we will be talking about a difficult topic that many families deal with and that is the Decline of a Loved One.

 

 

Sources:

https://www.whereyoulivematters.org/how-to-know-when-your-parents-should-stop-driving/

 

https://dailycaring.com/7-warning-signs-how-to-know-when-your-parents-should-stop-driving/

 

https://thedoctorweighsin.com/senior-parent-stop-driving/

 

https://homecareassistance.com/blog/elderly-parent-driving

 

https://www.caring.com/caregivers/senior-driving/

 

https://www.presbyterianseniorliving.org/blog/how-to-tell-mom-its-time-to-stop-driving

 

https://www.aarp.org/auto/driver-safety/info-2016/when-to-stop-driving-in-older-age.html

 

https://www.seniorsmatter.com/when-elderly-parents-should-stop-driving-11-warning-signs/2491829

 

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1447231/