Episode 46 – Anticipatory Grief and The Decline Of A Loved One

Even as adults, we tend to view our parents and grandparents as invincible. They have always been the strong ones; the ones to lift us up when we fall, to comfort us when we are feeling down, to remind us that we are loved on the days we feel alone. It can be a shock to the system when suddenly, the roles are reversed, and it’s our turn to care for them. On some level, we knew that this stage of life was coming, but we still can’t be prepared to face it until we just don’t have a choice.

Watching a loved one decline is far from an easy process – in fact, it can be utterly heart wrenching. While we want our loved one’s inevitable aging to happen gradually, the truth is that oftentimes, the shift from independent to dependent happens quite suddenly. You might be left feeling unprepared and overwhelmed as you begin your new role as a caretaker. You might also experience what is known as anticipatory grief.

Anticipatory grief takes place before a loved one’s death. It can begin as soon as you notice signs of decline. If your father is starting to lose his keys on a regular basis or your mother can no longer get out of a chair without assistance. If you have noticed that in these moments, you feel a sudden pang of sadness, frustration, or even resentment, that’s anticipatory grief sinking in.

Remember when you notice these feelings, that they are completely normal and even expected as you face this difficult time. Many people feel guilty when they are grieving before a loss – like they are giving up hope for their loved one. This is not the case. As long as you are there for your loved one - encouraging them and showing them your love and support – you are not giving up on them.

Even if you know that your loved one is not going to make it, anticipatory grief still doesn’t equate to giving up. It is merely a way for your brain to comprehend the terrible reality you are facing – so you can help yourself get through it. Never feel guilty for grieving. Grief, after all, shows just how powerful your love is. 

Anticipatory grief can hit a lot faster if your loved one was recently diagnosed with an illness. You might find that you are facing one of the five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, or acceptance - as soon as you find out. The five stages of grief are not reserved for those grieving a permanent loss and they do not occur in any particular order. Most people facing grief will switch between the stages frequently. If they are experiencing anticipatory grief, they might feel angry more often or have a hard time controlling their emotions at all.   

Anticipatory grief isn’t just grief for a loss to come. It’s also grief for the changes you are noticing in your loved one. These changes can feel enormous and confusing, so be gentle with yourself as you learn to accept them. You might find, too, that you’re especially taken by the small changes. You might have memories of the sound your mother’s feet made as they paraded down the stairs in the morning. When you listen to the wheels of her chair turn instead, or the slow and quiet thumps of her struggling feet, you might find yourself suddenly awash in sadness.

You also might find yourself getting impatient with your loved ones. You are not used to your father taking so long to eat his breakfast or your mother having to put so much focus into remembering something. It can feel frustrating, irritating, and even maddening as you watch them struggle with everyday tasks. These feelings are completely normal. They are instinctual reactions that occur as a defense mechanism against sadness.

On a subconscious level, your mind does not want to accept that anything is wrong, so you fight against the warning signs. You’re angry because if you are sad, you are admitting that there is a problem. That your father isn’t just eating slowly because he wants to, he’s eating slowly because that’s all he can do these days.

Try to remind yourself in these moments that it is just as frustrating for your parent as it is for you. In fact, it’s probably a lot more frustrating. Your parent does not want to lose their independence, does not want to admit that they are struggling either. So, when you feel angry, try to remember why you are angry. Getting to the root of those feelings will help you to maintain control of them, so you don’t take them out on Mom and Dad. It’s more important than ever to be patient and gentle.

Remember, too, that it’s okay to feel angry. Even though you don’t want to take that out on your parents, still allow yourself to face those feelings when they are not present. Vent to a spouse or a friend. Scream into a pillow. The best way to get through these feelings is to face them. Give yourself permission to do so, no matter how ugly the feelings might seem.

One way to help yourself process these difficult emotions is to acknowledge the losses you are facing. This is another instance where you are getting to the root of the pain, so you can be prepared to overcome it. You might feel like it’s wrong to feel so sad while your mother or father is still here but acknowledging the gravity of what you are facing is validating and strengthening. By acknowledging your losses, you are giving yourself permission to feel. And when you are letting yourself feel what you need to, you are helping yourself get through.

It is also common during this time to feel like you’re in a constant state of panic. You might jolt every time the phone rings, have trouble sleeping normally, or struggle to concentrate at work. This can be mentally and physically exhausting – and when we put exhaustion on top of the stack of other emotions we are dealing with, we will find that we have little control over our emotions.

It’s important to take time for yourself during this period. Feelings of panic are inevitable, but when you find that they are controlling your life, it’s time to take a step back and focus on tending to yourself. Take fifteen minutes each day to do something distracting for yourself: walking, drawing, reading, anything that you love that will calm your mind. Focus on your breathing. Hydrate.

These tips might seem like a waste of time, especially given the gravity of what you are facing, but they can actually make an enormous difference. Breathing exercises can slow your speedy heartrate down when you’re feeling panicked. Taking time for yourself each day can help you feel re-energized and relaxed. The more you care for yourself, the more you can care for your loved one.

On that note, you are also doing yourself a great service if you reach out for support during this time. Find someone who you can talk to, who will provide a safe space for you to talk through your feelings. By sharing your feelings out loud, you are actually helping your brain to start to process them in a healthy and healing way. Your support system might also be able to offer insight and advice that can help you get through this tough period.  

Try not to neglect the other important things in your life. Your loved ones decline is a priority, of course, but if you center your entire life around it – you are depriving yourself of finding any type of relief. Remember, feeling a sense of calm or peace is not a bad thing. It’s not something to feel guilty about. You must take care of yourself in order to take care of others.

Anticipatory grief does provide an opportunity to plan for the remaining time. If you are anticipating that there may not be a lot of time left, you and your loved one can decide the most meaningful ways to spend it together. This can provide an opportunity for enormous comfort – even through the pain. Fill that time with as much love as you can muster up, so that you can cherish those moments forever. You can celebrate your loved one’s life with her, by sharing stories, looking through photographs, and remembering together.

If your parent is up for it, ask her questions about her life. If you would rather not face the past, you can also enjoy the present. Have movie nights, play board games, read books together. Any time together will be cherished, regardless of how you spend it.

When the day comes where you finally have to say goodbye, give yourself permission to feel whatever you need to. Anger, sadness, depression. Even relief. Taking care of a declining loved one can be exhausting and heartbreaking. When you find that you are no longer living in a prolonged state of worry and fear, you might feel like a weight was lifted from your shoulders. That is okay. That does not mean you don’t love and miss your parent – it’s a normal reaction to letting go of a particularly difficult period in your life.

 If you find that you are not experiencing anger, sadness, or panic when your loved one is declining, don’t feel guilty. Remember, this process looks differently for everyone. For many people, it’s gradual and expected and it’s not as difficult to accept the reality of the situation. It’s okay if what you feel is acceptance.

The most important thing to remember as you navigate this new and difficult journey, is to give yourself permission to feel. Find a safe space to confront your emotions. Continue to shed your parent or grandparent with love. Be gentle and patient with yourself. This is not an easy time – so give yourself the freedom to feel, if nothing else. And at the end of the day, keep in mind that all this grief that you are feeling is rooted in your love. 

We want to thank you for joining us here at All Home Care Matters, All Home Care Matters is here for you and to help families as they navigate long-term care issues. Please visit us at allhomecarematters.com there is a private secure fillable form there where you can give us feedback, show ideas, or if you have questions. Every form is read and responded to. If you know someone who could benefit from this episode, please share it with them.

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Sources:

https://homecareassistance.com/blog/dementia-caregivers-help-overcome-grief

 

https://www.verywellhealth.com/understanding-anticipatory-grief-and-symptoms-2248855

 

https://whatsyourgrief.com/anticipatory-grief/

 

https://safepassageurns.com/blogs/blog/dont-deal-with-the-declining-health-of-a-family-member-by-yourself

 

https://www.neptunesociety.com/resources/preparing-for-the-death-of-a-terminally-ill-loved-one

 

https://abc11.com/2953331/

 

https://khn.org/news/the-long-goodbye-coping-with-sadness-and-grief-before-a-loved-one-dies/