One of the great teachings from the Zen patriarchs is that to be enlightened is to be

intimate with all things. And I like the word intimacy so much so that for the

last probably 15 years we've called our retreats here in the Washington area

intimacy with life. Now a very related teaching is that if you have any real

preferences and read in by that, if judgments and so on, that puts you a million

miles from that intimacy that we so love. Which puts us in a conundrum because

we have a longing for connection and intimacy and a strong, strong conditioning to

judge. Is that sit well or not well? Okay. So one of the basic principles we run

into is that in understanding each other is that if we want someone to be

different, if we have an idea on what we're hoping they'll be or how they

should be, in those moments we really can't see who's there. We're seeing our

projection of what we want and maybe what's not there. Remember one story of a

woman a physician who is driving her young daughter I think seven years old

home from from school and the daughter picked up the mother's stethoscope and

was looking at it with what seemed to be real interest. So her mom says oh my

heart be still you know maybe this is maybe this is the profession that's meant to

be for her. At which point the little girl picks up the stethoscope goes welcome

to McDonald's. Can I take your order please? So and that's pretty benign and we all

know what it's like with whether it's a partner or child parent or colleague

that when we're living inside how we want them to be we're not seeing clearly

and when there's really a strong judgment you should be different. We've created

real separation. Whenever there's a you should should definitely put up your

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