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An attachment perspective on incompatible relationships,

why some relationships are so difficult to heal,

even if we put significant effort into understanding our partners and ourselves.

To start with this talk, I'd like to offer an example of a classic dilemma that might cause friction in a relationship.

This is not based on any couple that I've worked with in counseling.

It's just something I cooked up based on a lot of different patterns I've seen in working with people in relationship and partners.

So in this, I've created entirely out of whole cloth a couple named Alec and Bianca,

and they've been together for two space where Alec does all of his work.

Bienka, however, ever since the Alec does all of his work.

Bianca, however, ever since the beginning

of the two-year relationship has kept her studio

where she goes to do most of her work.

Alec wants Bianca to give up her studio because it's expensive.

They share their money and expenses and he notes that their apartment would be big enough to do both there were.

Bianca wants to, however, keep her studio, she believes it's essential to her work. She likes to go there and spend

entire long days getting lost in painting, listening to music, talking with friends, she'll do other things at her

studio besides painting. This conflict between whether or not they get to keep the studio

escalates. Alec becomes increasingly emotional about it and upset Bianca shuts down during the arguments and simply disconnects.

Before we unpack that conflict in that relationship,

...