Traps are good. Traps hold your head up. They keep your head on your folders. Light a Kim. You can have a trap.

Hi, I'm Rachel Hampton and you're listening to ICYMI. In case you missed it, Slay's podcast about internet culture.

And today, today I'm going to get a little bit personal.

You might be thinking how much more personal can you really get? Y'all already know my fanfiction reading habits, which were a deep dark secret for a while.

And it's true I have revealed a lot about myself over the past two years. Wow.

But something I rarely ever talk about here and kind of in real life is my relationship with my body.

That does mean that in today's episode, I'll be talking about dieting and exercise.

So if that's something you're not interested in, please feel free to go ahead and skip this one.

But back to me and my body, there have been a few episodes in the past where we've sort of brushed up against the topic.

There's one of our earliest episodes through April 2021 called body positivity is meaningless.

And then we talked again about diet culture in our episode on the infamous Emily Mara co-samble, which I still eat like once a week.

You can ask my roommate. From those episodes, it might not be that surprising to find out that I historically haven't had the best relationship with my body.

I don't really know anyone who grew up in my age bracket who does.

And if you do, please sell your secret. I will pay so much money for it.

I grew up watching the men around me, yoyo dieting.

And I had memorized the respective caloric value and weight watchers point value of everything in my house before I hit puberty.

My feelings around food were usually some delightful combination of guilt and resentment and like secret joy.

And I had and still have some chronic illnesses and pain that met that I always usually felt like I was on the verge of being betrayed by my body at any given moment.

It was the chronic pain specifically in my knees, shout out bad knee gang that led me to finding a trainer.

That and the fact that living at home with my parents during the first year of the pandemic had left me so out of shape that when I came back to New York and had to carry groceries, Tim blocks home from the store because I lived in a grocery store desert, I ended up both on the edge of tears and an asthma attack.

At that point in my life, I had attempted exercise regimens so many times that I knew the cadence, I would go religiously for a month or maybe more my Virgo moon with chime in.

And then life would inevitably happen a late night at work, a plan with the friend and I BS flare and I'd be knocked off my rhythm and then the guilt would stop me from going back.

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