In an ideal world, what I wanted, I wanted to self-fertilise.

I wanted to have children that were exactly my genetics

so that I could show them to my parents and go, see, it was my childhood, they're fine.

Hello, I'm Sarah Pascoe, and I'm on tour with my show. I am a strange gloop.

So I don't really, like, agree with marriage. It's too long, isn't it?

Forever.

I'm going all over the UK and Ireland.

You can find tickets at sarahpasco.com.uk.

Thank you. Welcome to the off-menu podcast, taking the pistachios of humour, cracking the shells of friendship and popping them into the mouth of the internet.

Just pistachos?

Yep.

That's a gamble. My name is James Haycastle. Together we own a dream restaurant in every single week. We're inviting a guest and asking their favourite ever start a main course dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order. And this week, the guest is Ian Smith. Ian Smith, a wonderful comedian, James. So funny. One of the most naturally funny people I think I've ever met in my life. Very funny, very funny comedian, podcaster.

He has a podcast called Northern News that he does with another friend of the pod, Amy Gledhill.

Yeah, so imagine how funny that is.

The Amy Gledhill episode, Funny as Hell.

Ian Smith, funny as hell. Both of them together. Yes. He's also released a special called Crushing, which you must go and watch. Amazing show. Ian Smith is on tour, of course, from November with foot spa half empty. For dates and tickets, go to Ian Smithcomedian. Looking forward to talking to Ian, but if he says a secret ingredient on which we have pre-agreed,

he will be thrown out of the dream restaurant. James has come up with this one, and I think it's harsh. This week, the secret ingredient is salt and pepper. Salt and pepper. There's a reason for this, isn't there, James? Ian comes from Gull, and in Gull, they have the salt and pepper pots, these giant, I think they're like towers for

something like they look like water towers or like nuclear power plant shit, but they're

nicknamed the salt and pepper pots. Yes. And he spoke about them before. He did a really

funny series online about Gull and he spoke about it on stage. So I associate Ian with the salt and pepper pots. Now, I know it's harsh to say salt and pepper, because it's probably in everything. So we're going to say, if Ian specifies that he wants to add some salt and pepper to something, that's when we'll kick him out. Yes. Or even if he's like saying the ingredients and says salt and pepper, yeah. Salt and pepper is very important that that's got to be in there.

You know, and look, we haven't kicked anyone out in ages. No, and I don't think anyone's actually ever said, oh, and don't forget, I'm going to put salt and pepper all over this. Yeah, that's what I thought is that I can't really remember that happening very often. So if it does happen, he deserves it. I would say if I was picking a fried egg.

You would put salt and pepper on the fried egg?

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