Hi, you're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Today's tip is about turning relationship goals into habits. Maybe you and your partner have talked about setting specific goals. It can start out exciting, and then it can get daunting.

Shared goals are, of course, important for couples, but the chaos of life can make you feel like you're failing at reaching these goals, instead of making progress.

So instead, turn those goals into habits that you and your partner can practice every day.

Let's say you have a goal to manage contempt.

Turn that into a habit of nurturing the fondness and admiration in your relationship.

Tell your partner what you love about them.

Maybe it's how they always put you first, or their commitment to your family. Whatever it is,

share it with them. Fondness and admiration are crucial to the long-term happiness of your

relationship and helps to prevent contempt from becoming an overwhelming presence in your life.

It'll make you want to point out what your partner is doing right instead of what

they're doing wrong. Another goal could be to strengthen trust. You could turn this into a habit of

talking openly about your needs and desires with your partner. Have intimate conversations about

what makes you happy, what makes you feel good, or what you want in the future.

For example, you desire more words of affirmation from your partner.

Tell your partner that it makes you feel good when they say how much they've missed you after a long day,

or that it makes you feel loved when they notice something different about you,

like a new outfit or hairstyle.

Intimate conversations can build a stronger emotional connection, which leads to more trust and passion. Is increasing intimacy

on your list of goals, too? Swap it for a habit of paying more attention to your partner's

bids for emotional connection. Imagine right before going to sleep, you notice

your partner's upset in bed next to you and looks like they want to talk. Instead of ignoring or

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