Hi, you're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through

research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Today's tip is about how to reverse relationship bankruptcy. Sounds important, right? It is,

and it all has to do with your emotional bank account.

If you or your partner have been feeling disconnected, ignored, or unheard lately, your bank account could be already depleted.

What is an emotional bank account? Just like a real bank account, there are always withdrawals or deposits to be made.

But it's not money you're using. It's bids for connection. A bid is any attempt for a positive

connection from either you or your partner. It could be a word, a smile, a wink, or a request.

It's a small gesture that means, I'm here and want to connect with you.

And any time you turn towards and acknowledge the bid, ch-ching, you've made a deposit.

Anytime you turn away from or ignore the bid, zap, you've made a withdrawal.

And if you continue to turn away, you may soon find yourself in relationship

bankruptcy. Here's some ideas of what may have gotten you there and how to reverse it. Let's say you

come home from work and your partner is on the couch reading a book. You walk into the living room

and say to them, oh my God, I can't believe what a

stressful day I had. If they look up momentarily, nod, and then keep reading, they've turned

away from your bed and made a huge withdrawal from your bank account because you felt ignored

and unheard. But if they put down their book and say, wow, tell me about it,

what happened? They've turned towards you. This small action has made a large deposit because you've

felt heard and cared for. Or maybe the bit of connection is nonverbal. Say you're on the phone

and you see your partner sitting deep in

thought, then letting out a big sigh. Do you stay on your phone call and ignore them? If so,

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