Welcome back my homies to part 2 of this incredible conversation with a dating and confidence coach, my dude Matthew Hussie, or what I call him my brother from another mother. We've known each other for so long and this interview was just one of those moments where the guy was on fire. And the eye opening insights into dating, cheating and overall life happiness just doesn't stop coming out of his mouth. Now we're covering five reasons why you say yes to people that are actually bad for you. How the empowering idea of being happy enough can actually help you take your magic back. Why toxic guys are worse than a drug addiction and the harsh reasons why you're not holding him to the standards that you deserve. Oh, girls, ladies, this one is so good. Let's dive in right now. I'm your host, Lisa Bilyu and this is Woman of Impact. I'm such a person of like, I need words. When I'm going through something emotional, I sometimes can't force my mind to convince myself not to feel the emotion. So I need words. So that dolphin analogy was so strong. Like I want everyone right now when they find themselves in that moment to turn around and when they find that there may be instincts have led them to to something that they didn't actually want to just give themselves the grace and say,

oh, I was the dolphin. And so now it changes it from beating yourself up because you made either a mistake or you did something that now your embarrassed or shameful about and you go, oh, I didn't know any better because that was my instinct to talk as a child. Love it, absolutely. I love it. So the second reason we get drawn to the wrong people is what we know.

The third reason, you know, this is a big one,

is that we know. The third reason, and you know, this is a big one, is that we're staring at the wall. And this is this idea that, you know, the race car driver, Mario and Jettie said, if you want to not crash, don't look at the wall, because the car will go where your eyes are focused. And too many of us, when if you're the dolphin in captivity who has always had a certain kind of experience, you come to think that that experience is just life, right? That's just the way life is. Instead of, oh, this is the wall I keep crashing into because it's the wall I know. And I have to at some point say, oh, the reason I keep crashing into this is not because the wall is everywhere, is because I have been trained to expect a certain kind of treatment. And if I want to experience a different kind of treatment, I might have to start positioning my eyes in a different direction to a different kind of possibility. And that's a hard thing to do. It's a really hard thing to do. It might mean putting ourselves in a different environment. It might mean dating a kind of person we've never dated before, just to have the experience that someone a different kind of person is possible than the people that we've dated in the past.

You know, oh, there are nice people around. There are kind people around. Not everyone is this kind of person. And you know, like when someone has been staring at the wall too long, because you'll say someone will come to you and they'll say, you know, someone will come to me and they'll say, God, it's just like, you know, guys just don't believe in monogamy these days.

And I'll go, well, you must have been spending a lot of time around one kind of guy. Mm. Because if you keep finding yourself attracted to and spending too much time with those kinds of guys, then eventually you're just going to think that's guys. But that's not all guys. But in order to get our attention away from the wall, we have to start giving attention to new experiences and new people and the kinds of things that wouldn't normally be on our radar. The fourth reason we get attracted to the wrong kinds of people is because it's our level. And this is where we do get into self-worth. Is when we have experienced something our whole lives, it becomes what we know, it becomes the wall that we search for everywhere we go because it's what we know. But it also ends up becoming what we think we deserve because our brain just goes, well, if I've never got anything else, this kind of must be my level. This... Because we see other people getting more sometimes, and we go, yeah, but that's for them. It's not for me. It's almost like our brain goes, if it was for me, I would have had it already. Is it like a protective mechanism from the ego to not feel badly? Well, I think we're deeply uncomfortable with things that are different to us and new to us. Right? So if we get more than our level, it makes us feel deeply uncomfortable. I never used to understand fear of success, you know, when people say fear, you know... I still don't understand it. I came to understand that I've, on some level, probably always had a fear of success, because it really, the way that it made sense to me, was just when I understood that fear of success is just this fear of the unfamiliar, that I'm not used to playing at this level, and it feels new, and if it feels new, it's strange, and it's scary. I can relate to Pete Things in my career where I can feel almost things heating up a bit too much. And then I can almost feel myself unconsciously putting my foot on the brakes, like going... And it's not... Like, again, I'm someone who always used to say, fear of fear of success like what is that? I get fear of failure, but what's fear of success? But I've come to realize that it's When when a new level is just unknown to us when we've never experienced it. It's inherently scary because we've just It's new you don't know what to expect what to expect. We don't know if we're gonna be able to hold on to it it's new. You don't know what to expect. What to expect?

We don't know if we're gonna be able to hold onto it. We, it's just safer to stay at home. It's interesting actually, now I'm kind of putting things together. They did this one study of like a bunch of successful people and they asked like, you know, they asked them like a thousand questions or something. And it turns out the one thing that they all had in common was that they all felt like they had to stable home life

and that allowed them to be more rebellious

in the business because they had the foundation. So I wonder if you still have the fear of success now that you're married? I still have to, every new level, I have to break down. I have to like sort of get comfortable with the new level. Re-appointed, yeah. And yeah, and like just learn, oh this is new, this is new territory and I have to somehow find a way to make this home. I think of my comfort zone as being this kind of bubble that keeps getting bigger throughout my life as I keep doing new things. And it's, you know, the unfamiliar is just somewhere I haven't made home yet. And, you know, I'm just finding new parts of life that gradually, gradually, gradually I make home. But it's always a bit scary. Being in a new country can be scary. And until, you know, I lived, when I was 19 years old, I lived in China for a few months. And it was scary. And then when I left, I missed it. And I felt like it was a part of the world that I felt familiar with. And it had like almost been included in my kind of like definition of where I can feel at home. And I sometimes, you know, it's a different point, but I sometimes feel like we forget that. Anytime something is scary, it's just a place we haven't made home yet. But I still, you know, every time there's a new level, I have to like find a way to reset my temperature. And I don't find that's ever a comfortable process. So whenever we're thinking in our love life of something that could be, of something that's making us uncomfortable, we can remind ourselves that if this is more than I've gotten before, there's something about it that's likely going to feel uncomfortable. Someone I write about in the book said, you know, she had just come off the back of a relationship with someone who was really mean to her, really disrespected her, flirted with other people in front of her, never made her feel good enough, put her down, and then she'd start dating a guy who was attractive and funny, but above all, kind to her. And she said she went home to her mum one day and she said, Mum, it's the strangest thing. He's so nice to me. And she said to her, that's how it's supposed to be. But for her, the idea that you could get someone who is attractive and funny and on top of it, they were going to be nice to you, That felt deeply uncomfortable. And that's when I say our level, what I mean is we set our level at a certain place. This is what I deserve. And usually what we deserve is derived from what we've got so far. And when we get more of it, it makes us intensely uncomfortable. There's a moment in the book, I want to read this. It's going to be interesting. You know, Nikki Glazer, the comedian, just a big female comedian in the state. Yes. I saw her in an interview where she was describing her relationship with having an orgasm. And I put this in the book, because I thought this was fascinating. She said, I've always been into being tied up. I'm someone who doesn't feel like I deserve pleasure without having pain. Like, I don't ever celebrate something. I can only celebrate or relax if I put so much work in that I'm dead. It's really hard for me to enjoy myself in life. I have to punish myself first. And so orgasms, it's hard for me to give myself one and let myself have that much. It's too much. It's like Christmas. You have to wait a year for Christmas. You can't have Christmas every day. So I like to be tied up and forced to have Christmas. I don't hear that and go, oh, she's so strange that that's how she operates. I go, oh, that's me. I go, I have to go through this punishing work schedule every day for the privilege of giving myself an hour of peace or joy, or saying, I'm now entitled to just stop for a moment. Like, I've done that my whole life. I relate to everything she says there. And it's, you know, when we've set,

and many people in their love lives have set their level at, I'm only entitled to someone who's

attractive if they're rude to me. I'm only entitled to a relationship where with someone who's,

you know, in some way, you know, charismatic or attractive or this or that, if they cheat, if they disrespect me, if they're really available, if they're inconsistent with their communication. And to ask for more feels like too much, because we've made the association that I can accept love as long as it comes with a giant caveat. And that doesn't make me happy but it is what's comfortable to me because I've set my level there and it's intensely uncomfortable to raise our level to something higher. It's so crazy to me before you move on that and I get it like it was crazy but I do it too. The idea that I would rather be comfortable in something that actually doesn't serve me, than uncomfortable in something that does serve me. Like, that's, it's a hard pill to swallow, but it's damn the truth about human's. 100%. Oh, yeah. That's, you know, we'll, that what we will do to stay comfortable is pretty unbelievable. And the last one, number five, the one that I was going to say the reason we get attracted to the wrong people is and the wrong things, as I say in this book, why we chase the wrong things is because it feels good. Like there's also just, you can look at these things straight through simply through the lens of addiction. That, you know, there's, there's a, you know, the same way we gravitate towards food or alcohol or drugs or whatever it may be is there's an element of fun, feel good, excitement in our love life, you know, dopamine. The oxytocin of like, oh, like being close to someone and rolling around in bed with someone, getting a text from them, dopamine hits. Like there's all these things that are happening that get us in this like junky cycle in our love life that can become very hard to extricate ourselves from. And it can be a very tough pill to swallow that for a time I might have to actually cleanse myself of a lot of these types of experiences and feelings, which may for a time feel boring. It may not give me those spikes. Those spikes were fun. Feels good. Someone texts me who drives me crazy, and even though they hurt me last time, oh my god, I just really want to see them because the sex was amazing and it was fun and I love being around them. And, you know, we get addicted to those spikes. That heated passion does sometimes make you feel alive, and that's where the trick lies is that, in moments of your everyday, right, you do Monday, day to day, whatever, go to work, college, and so I'm speaking for myself here, is that I had my ex-boyfriend before I met Tom. It was incredibly tumultuous, like it was highs and lows, so it was screaming matches, then with, you know, makeup sex, and it was, it was, but it felt at the time being young and not understanding, it felt like exciting. And so once you leave that and you find somebody who's more stable,

that can be perceived as boring, which then means that you almost then dismiss the nice guy,

let's just quote unquote, and you end up keep going back to the bad boy that treats you badly,

but you're addicted to that, the heat and the passion, the electricity.

And I almost, I want to like kill, kill the term, nice guy, because I feel like... Mmm. Nice guy is where guys themselves... It's like, it sounds like such a negative thing that I never want to be, right? Because I associate it with so much bad. That's so interesting. I think of it as being lovely.

Yeah.

But what's... Oh, now, let's really do well, but I don't perceive nice girl as being lovely. Like, be the nice girl. And I'm like, fuck you. I'm not going to be the night. It's almost like, be, step in your place, be polite to speak when spoken to is how I perceive. because it plays into a kind of power imbalance.

Correct.

And growing up, I got patted on the head by big old men,

literally patted on the head saying, be a good girl, stay quiet, speak when spoken to. So the idea of being a good girl and staying silent is what has wired for me in my brain, and that's a negative. But a nice guy means that he's gonna treat you well, he's gonna take you he's going to be polite, he's going to call you when he calls you.

You might see the funny thing about that, is that you might have more in common with guys there than you think. In the sense that the same reason you, the idea of a nice girl, is kind of, like, raises your hackles, is because you go, I don't, you know, The last thing I want to be is this kind of weak pushover,

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