But what lies beneath is a real truth. I'm unlovable. I'm not enough.

And that's why I can never find love or be a success. But let me just find something to blame it on. And it's a little less painful. The real what lies beneath is I'm not worthy. I'm not enough. I'm not lovable. If beating yourself up were an Olympic sport, then I think a lot of us would be gold mid-lis. And the winning prize to every participant, regular negative reminders that you are not good enough. Yep, that actually comes gold plated and all. You see, we tell ourselves that that's why we had that failed relationship. That's why we over-indulged in food. That's why we snapped to our friend because well we're not good enough. And that thinking, the words we use, the words we choose only feeds the monster that is our bullying mind. And so today's Women of Impact is backed by popular demand to show us exactly how to slay those dragons. With over 30 years of expertise in psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, cognitive behavioural therapy, and neuro linguistics programming, this speaker expert, author, entrepreneur and global phenomenon is about to show us how we can stop beating ourselves up and start lifting ourselves up. The founder of I Am Enough Movement, the one and only great British pioneer, my girl, Marissa Peir. Welcome to the show again! I'm so happy to have you. Oh, I'm great to be here. So what I wanted to start is we always talk about feelings. I feel sad, I'm frustrated, it's always about the feeling. But I've got an amazing quote of yours that you broke down. Thoughts dictate feelings. Your feelings dictate your actions and your actions dictate your events. But here's the thing, we always focus on the feeling, not the thought. But I love that you say everything stems from there.

Yeah, so talk to me about that. As we say feelings come before thoughts, no they don't. If I had a big plate of meat in front of you, what you think about that, it affects the feeling. If you're a vegan, it's disgusting for your bodybuilder. It's great. If I hold up a needle, it's the thought, Oh, that's going to hurt. That's going to be about 10 years younger. That's going to make me

high. I'm going to have a tattoo. So we all believe that we can't control our feelings. When you get it right, thoughts control feelings. The thought comes before the feeling. When you go backwards again, it's like, if everything starts with a thought, it's easier to change your thoughts and to change your feelings. And if you just keep changing your thoughts, what happens is it actually starts to change your entire life. So for instance, you might have a feeling, what is it, is it scared or is it excited? I don't know because they feel exactly the same. If you watch someone on a rollercoaster screaming, are they scared? No, they don't even know. But you get to choose to go, I'm excited. I'm feeling great or I'm terrified and I'm falling apart and when you can start to think about what you're feeling and decide to make it feel good, I'm feeling challenged. I'm feeling all right about this. I'm feeling I can do it. I've got this tingling in my toes. What is that terror or excitement? Well, I don't know, but I'm going to tell myself as excitement, then you're going to win at life all the time because you get to be in control and it's saying, I'm run by my feelings. I love that. Okay. So knowing that, how do we then start to change that thought pattern? Well, again, everything comes, the way you feel about everything. You see, the way you feel about something is down to two things. The pictures you make in your head and the words you say to yourself. And you could even cut that down and say, the way you feel is down to the words. So, we use these amazing words to terrifying. It's killing me. I'm dying. And you've got to change the words that's challenging. That's interesting. that's fascinating. And stop saying it's killing me. Oh, I look a mess. I look terrible. I've got a memory like a sieve. I'm going out of my mind. And you think, oh, well, if I'm prepared to lie, what I don't just tell myself a better lie, I look a little dehydrated. I look a little sleep deprived. And when you start to tell yourself a better lie, sort of saying I'm terrified, I'm challenged, this is driving me mad, this is a situation. Your whole life changes on the dime because you realize, oh I was lying to myself and it felt real. So at least I'm going to lie to myself in a good way and it will feel real. I love that so much and I had you break it down even more to the point where it's like, look, if a guy looks at a porno, he gets an erection. If a woman or someone feels embarrassed, they blush. So making that the mental connection with the body is so strong. So explain to me if I'm,

because someone might even say,

well, what's the big difference? I could do your horse I'm starving. Like, why does it actually matter? Can you break that down to have a body then? So the only way your mind knows how you feel is the word used. If one more guy dumps me, it will kill me. If one more client challenges me, it'll be the end of me. if one more client sends back my product, I kill myself.

So now what my mind has worked out is that my business is killing me. If I say this job will be the death of me, this commute is killing me. This client makes me want to die. My mind which can only work out what I'm feeling through my words, only my words, nothing but my words will go, that place called job is killing you. My job is to keep you alive. So why don't I give you a lovely ulcer or panic attacks or a phobia. Now you can't leave the house and go to that place called job that is killing you. And I see this time and time again with clients who come in and say, you know,

I've got a sensitivity, I can't leave the house, I've got sensitivity to light or all these allergies. And when we taught more than go, when I was bullied and I was 11, what did you think? They went, well, I thought, I wish I could never leave the house. I never realized I'd make myself unable to leave the house. I thought, I thought, and it's become real.

Because thoughts become real, as you said,

when you think an emotional thought, tears leak out of your eyes and you're just watching television. You think an embarrassing thought and you get embarrassed. You look at a picture that's just dots and get aroused. Because thoughts are real. We all know we think about food and our stomach rumbles.

We sit in the movies, I'm not hungry, but there's a picture of food. Oh, I now need to, I could eat a horse, I'm starving. And these are wrong thoughts, by the way, because nobody could eat a horse, even a quarter of it. And in this country, I'd like to have ever been truly starving. So we think a thought and every thought you think was as a physical reaction like

blushing, it also causes an emotional response and everything goes back to thoughts. So when you can take control of your thoughts, you really can make your life extraordinary. But you have to see your mind as like a big race horse and And you're a driver who's never been on a horse before,

and I don't even know how to make this horse go or want it to go. But if you have some horse riding lessons, you get on a powerful horse, and you know, do that with your knees, you do that with your hands, and you kind of give the horse signals, and it goes exactly what you want it to go. you have to learn the signals together,

or I mean the first time I rode a horse,

I didn't realize it's all due with your knees

and your calves and your sending signals to the horse. And it's the same with a mind. You just have to understand that it's sending you signals because you send it signals. I could never speak in public. I don't like confrontation. I can't do rejection. I could write about what everybody hated, I could do that, but what if it went wrong? And it's like biofeedbacks. If you send yourself better signals, you get better result, and now that horse will go where you want it to go, because you're driving something very powerful, but you know what to do with your knees and your hands. But the thing about the brain that you really should be taught in school is that we are hardwired to return to what is familiar and to resist what is unfamiliar. So if you've never had praise, no one's ever said, oh my god, you're so great. Look at you. But said, oh, you'll never make, you're never matter anything when someone says, wow, you're great, go, we're talking about, haven't even combed my hair. Oh, this thing, I've had it for five years, it was second hand, and if we've never had praise and it's unfamiliar, we reject it and add in what is for me the criticism. And that's the most damaging thing I see people who can't accept praise. Hey, I read your book. It was terrible, wasn't it? No, it was great. Didn't you notice the spelling mistake? No. I came to see you speak. Did you notice? I got it all wrong. I started on what? No. Oh, well, let me tell you then how bad I was. And just getting those people to stop criticizing themselves and to praise themselves a lot is transformational, but it's so important to see that we're wired to return to what's familiar. That's the fact. But here's another fact. You can make anything you like familiar because if you couldn't, you'd still be peeing in your pants. You'd still be trying to eat banana and getting it in your ear or your hair. If you get rid of really good stuff, if it's unfamiliar, which is why 70% of the lottery winners are dead broke in three years. If you are not used to money and you get it, it's almost guaranteed you'll get rid of it all because A, you didn't feel you earned it, but B, it's just not familiar. Oh, there's so much you just said there. So I've heard a lot, like everyone goes back to the familiar. Yeah. So there's actually two things there. There's one of how do you identify what that familiar is so that you can change it. Yeah. And then second of all, some people go the opposite way. So for instance, my mom was put up in a convent with nuns. Yeah. And at a very young age, there were very strict. Right. Cool. And so at a very young age, she said to herself, when I have kids, I'm going to give them every ounce of love. And she completely switched into the complete opposite. And so, A, what is even happening there? And is there a way of getting them when they're young? Or is it just you just have to, as you get old, are recognised when something isn't serving you and then do what you're saying? Well, there's a bit of both actually. When you get older and you're thinking a thought, you have to stop and think, hey, where did this thought come from? Who gave me this thought? And why am I thinking this thought? Like my grandmothers, if you walked into the house with a packet of tampacks in your hand, that she would go right when gonna put that away Do that's to nobody wants to know about that. That was like something so dirty and forbidden and you never mentioned the P word And now we're a generation where it's it's. So stop it, I said, good question. Why do I believe this belief? Who told me that belief? What did they know? Where did they learn it? And so question where these beliefs come from and then just give them up. And the second thing about some people naturally rebellious was some people are because remember the nuns didn't give birth to your mother They just raised her so she had a home life and a school life and often they're very conflict and we often think when I grow up I'm never again. I'm gonna do the opposite You either end up doing exactly the same or the polar opposite Often it's better to do the opposite. Yeah, I've actually heard you say there are three things that really a child needs, feeling loved, feeling significant and having purpose. Yeah. What have you noticed in people that haven't had all three of those? Yeah. Children have very simple needs and your job is to meet those needs. It's my damage to organic broccoli you give them or teach them mandarin. If you're not meeting your child's needs for significance and safety and being proud of them, then you haven't really succeeded. I know that's hard to hear and certainly is a parent. I got so much a bit wrong. When the need isn't met, we go into the world and two things happen. First, we have a belief. I never felt safe. I never felt loved. I never felt I mattered and we have a tag. It will always be that way. It will be that way for the rest of my life. That's the first thing. The second thing is because our parents couldn't meet our need. We become needy. We go, hey Lisa could you? Could you make me feel good about myself? Could you make me? Could you be my new best friend and tell me I'm great or hey, could you date me or employ me and could you do the job of filling up my own memories? We'll go, sure, I could do that. I'll be your new best friend or your girlfriend or your boyfriend, but in three years I'm moving on. I'm going to find someone taller than you, younger than you. So I can into that for a while. And then the minute they leave or maybe they pass away we're back to going, oh, I've got to find someone else and go, hey, could you now take this need? When you sit back and go, okay, what's my need? I never felt significant. Can I do it? Because the best thing you can do to yourself, by and on, is to sit down and write out, okay, I want to feel significant. Can I do it? Because the best thing you can do to yourself, by non, is to sit down and write out, okay, I want to feel significant. I want to feel I matter. I want to feel my parents are proud of me. So I'm going to sit and go, hey, I'm significant, I matter. My parents are proud of me, say it over and over and over again and it's so weird, it happens so fast. So now you've the bit that was empty as filled, but nobody can ever take it away because you did it. I love that so much. So you're saying so you say it and then other things that you can put in place to say like, okay, I want to feel significant, so I'm going to do this because that's what's going to make me feel significant. It's more important to just say, I am significant. You see, when you quantify, I'm lovable because I'm a size A. I'm lovable because I'm important because I'm earning money. I'm significant because I've got this job. So it has to be you, not what you do or wear or own or buy, not what you add in or take away. nothing to be snipped off or injected in or died in or bleached in. It has to be, I am significant now. So when I was growing up, my father was this headmaster. My brother went to private school. He was the smart. While my sister was a beautiful little baby and I just felt like this thing, this blob, I didn't feel attractive or smart because my brother was the...

He had the smart role, my sister had the cute role so I just didn't have a role and interesting, those people tend to be the carous, so that wasn't surprising. But one day I realized that I wanted to be the favourite, so I started to go on the favourite, I'm the favourite, I'm the favourite, so I was just saying, of course, the thing with a mind

is it doesn't know if that's true or not,

and it really doesn't care. Whatever you say to your mind, it lets in. I'm an idiot, I'm so smart, I'm unlovable, I'm magnetically lovable. It doesn't stop to think, is that real? just lets it in. So the most amazing that happened is I just written my first book and I did an interview

and so were at the news. It doesn't stop to think, is that real? It just lets it in. So the most amazing that happened is I just

written my first book and I did an interview and saw it at the New York Times. And my name was everywhere. Suddenly my dad was like, everything my God, I'm so proud of you. Oh my God, you're my favorite, Charlie, even said that word. And I thought, dude, this is so weird. I've wanted this my whole life. But now I've got it, it didn't mean a thing.

I'm thinking, actually, now I feel uncomfortable

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