How To Set Boundaries With A Boundary Destroyer | Terri Cole
Evolve With Emily
Emily Hayden
4.9 • 624 Ratings
🗓️ 8 May 2023
⏱️ 54 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
In today's episode Emily interviews Terri Cole and the two of them discuss all things boundaries. Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert based in New York. She is the author of ‘Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free’ and the founder of several programs, including Real Love Revolution, Boundary Bootcamp, and Crushing Codependency.
Before becoming an expert in love, boundaries, and codependency, Terri spent years as a bi-coastal talent agent negotiating endorsement contracts for supermodels and celebrities. However, her eventual disenchantment with the world of entertainment led her to make a career change in her 30s and become a psychotherapist and empowerment expert. Her mission has been to help women live self-determined lives that they love by teaching them how to establish and maintain healthy boundaries with ease and create and sustain vibrant relationships.
Over the past two decades, Terri has worked with a wide range of individuals, including international pop stars, athletes, Broadway performers, TV personalities, thought leaders, and Fortune 500 CEOs. She empowers a global community of over 800,000 individuals across 189 countries each week through her illuminating videos. articles and blog posts, therapeutic meditations, online courses, and popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show.
Terri’s approach integrates practical psychology with eastern mindfulness practices, resulting in a unique blend that allows her to simplify complex psychological concepts for her clients and students. Her gift lies in making these concepts not only accessible but also actionable, leading to sustainable change. Recognized as an expert therapist and master life coach, she has appeared on popular shows such as GMA3, The Doctors, and NBC News Daily, as well as being featured on the Real Housewives and hundreds of podcasts. She is a contributor to major publications including The Huffington Post, Well+Good, Oprah Daily, and Shondaland, and has been highlighted in People Magazine, The New York Times, Women’s Day, Glamour, Elle, Forbes, Vogue, Cosmopolitan, CNN, and Self.
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In today's episode you will hear about:
- What boundaries are and what they are not
- Why boundaries are the loving way to interact with others
- How your upbringing impacts your understanding of boundaries
- How to know when a boundary is needed & how to set it
- How people pleasing is unloving
- Different categories of Boundary offenders
- Boundary Destroyers & how they're the most painful relationships
- Scripts to use to set boundaries
- How to identify love bombing
- No one's trauma excuses their behavior towards you
Connect with Terri here: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/terricole/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/terricoleny
Podcast: https://terricole.com/itunes
book website: boundarybossbook.com
Connect with Emily Here:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/emilyhayden/
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@emilyhayden_
Subscribe to The Evolve With Emily Show here:
Spotify: https://spoti.fi/3v10YPs
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Soundcloud: https://bit.ly/3dtNINp
Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | Visualization is such a powerful tool in anything. |
| 0:03.0 | Any success I have, anything I want to do, I visualize that thing happening and I feel the feeling of that thing happening. |
| 0:09.0 | And this is, of course, you know, I don't need to tell you, pro athletes have been using it since the dawn of time, |
| 0:14.0 | because your body doesn't know the difference between a stimulation and the real thing. |
| 0:19.0 | If they get upset or defensive, that doesn't |
| 0:22.8 | mean that you fail. And I think maybe the most important part of this is realizing that it's, |
| 0:28.6 | our boundaries are not a lever to control other. It's not a manipulation tactic. It's a truth telling |
| 0:34.6 | that is very loving because we are giving them the opportunity to step up for us, to step closer to us, to know us, to consider us. |
| 0:43.2 | And there has to be a consequence if someone is a repeat offender, because if not, what is the impetus to change? |
| 0:49.9 | And sadly, as human beings, pain is like one of the biggest impetus is to change that there is. |
| 0:55.6 | Trust your gut because being trapped in one of these relationships with a boundary destroyer is so devastating. |
| 1:02.7 | It's so painful. |
| 1:03.8 | It's your whole life. |
| 1:04.8 | It becomes your whole thing. |
| 1:06.6 | If the person gets upset and you feel upset, you will have things already figured out to say like, |
| 1:12.6 | hey, I see you're upset. |
| 1:14.6 | I love you if you do, like if it's a close person, and yet I still need you to call me before you. |
| 1:19.6 | Where we can lovingly hold our boundaries, still be compassionate to the people in our lives. |
| 1:24.6 | It is not compassionate to let people walk all over you. It is not |
| 1:28.7 | compassionate to not tell the truth when someone hurts your feelings. I think everybody out there |
| 1:37.7 | is going to find happiness in a different way. In society right now with a lot of quote unquote |
| 1:43.3 | experts that seem to think |
... |
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