Hi, you're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Today's tip is about asking for what you want.

Here's a scenario that may sound familiar to you.

You've had a hectic day. Work, errands, a doctor's

appointment. You've been racing from one place to another and you're exhausted. Finally, you walk in

the door at 6.30 and find your partner on the couch watching television. They look up at you

with a big smile and say,

Hi, hon, how's your day? But you can hardly answer because you are so angry. Yes,

it's your night to cook, but they knew what a crazy day you were having. Why didn't they start

dinner? They see the expression on your face and ask you what's wrong. You shake your

head and say nothing, then angrily walk into the kitchen. Okay, so what's wrong with this picture?

Have you figured it out yet? The answer is, you didn't ask for what you wanted. That's right.

The fact is, you can't complain about not getting

something that you never communicated to your partner. Rewind this scenario to the morning or even

the afternoon of the same day. Maybe you made a phone call to say, honey, I'm running late. I know

it's my night to cook, but could you make dinner instead? I'm beat.

There's a good chance your partner would have agreed. Or if they were busy too, maybe you'd

suggest ordering in. The fact is, your partner can't read your mind. You must ask for what you

want in order to receive it. And don't forget, there are many different ways to ask for what you want.

And some work better than others. If you say, you never help me change the betting, I always have to do it

myself. You're probably not going to get what you want. Using words like always or never is a sure

way of putting your spouse on the defensive. You're basically asking

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