Hi, you're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Today's tip is about how to react to a partner in pain.

You know how growing up you were told, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?

Well, when it comes to your partner, staying neutral can be invalidating. It can also break trust. We talked about how

neutrality is invalidation in a previous episode. And today, we're taking a closer look at the

real benefit to acknowledging where you stand. Let's say your partner comes to you one day

and says they just had this huge blowout argument with their mom. They're so upset that when they

start talking about it, their voice cracks and shakes and tears start rolling down their face.

The worst thing you can say in this situation is nothing. Neutrality, in response to a loved one

expressing pain, is a form of turning away and can be even more devastating to the relationship

than turning against your partner. Turning against is at the very least being clear and offering

an opportunity for continued engagement and repair. Turning away is silence.

Neutrality in the face of conflict sends the message that your comfort or your need to be

right or polite is more important than an acknowledgement of the feelings being expressed,

and that can be a betrayal. So here's what you can do instead of staying neutral. Try saying

something like, I am on your side, or I understand why you feel that way. Show your support.

Let them know that you're there for them, fully present, and are supporting their expression of how

they are feeling. Here's today's Small Thing. The next time a loved one

expresses pain to you, make an effort to turn towards them, take a stance that isn't neutral,

so that you can truly engage in the conversation. Tune into the next episode of Small Things Often

for another quick tip from the Gottman Institute, helping you maintain

and strengthen all of your relationships. Impro your relationship in 30 days with our 30 days

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