Hi, you're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through

research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Today's tip is about differentiation. The more differentiated you are, the less likely you are to take

things as personally when you're in a conflict with a loved one.

But what is differentiation? It's an active process in which partners define themselves to each other.

It's acknowledging that you and your partner are two separate individuals with completely different identities, no matter how similar you and your partner may seem. You're still different.

And that's a good thing. But it means you should

expect different opinions from each other at times. Differentiation requires the risk of being

open to growth and being honest. Let's say you're in a conflict with your partner because you claim

one of your partner's friends isn't a very good friend to them. Maybe this friend has been

dropping the ball, totally

leaving your partner in the dust, and yet your partner still sticks up for them. You think your

partner should drop this friend like a bad habit, but they feel the need to keep this friend around.

If you and your partner are differentiated, you can empathize with why your partner is willing to give this friend the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe their friend is going through a hard time.

And while you don't agree, you don't feel the burden of identifying with your partner's feelings and can separate how you feel.

You also don't expect your partner to take ownership of your individual feelings.

In conflict, being a differentiated partner

means you can give your loved one space while also remaining close enough to be caring and supportive,

but not so close that you identify your partner's feelings as your own and get lost in them.

Instead of taking on your partner's emotional state, you can express curiosity about it.

You could ask things like,

...