The following Mark's Daily Apple article was written by Marxists and is narrated by Brock Armstrong.

How to outsource your physical activity.

As humans living in the information age, we're winning.

We've got nature on the ropes.

We haven't quite extricated ourselves from our disgusting physical forms, but that's only a matter of time.

And I think if you take a look around the splendidly sterile environment we've constructed,

with its flat surfaces, moving staircases, and automobile-friendly

streets, you'll realize that we're close to never having to lift a physical finger again.

But until robot butlers and maids and personal assistants have arrived, the threat of physical

activity looms, and we have the responsibility and duty to

outsource it as much as possible. There are a few holdouts, those radical Luddites, with their

running shorts and their bicycles, and their hiking. You may know one or even be one yourself.

If that's the case, I implore you to consider the negative effects

of physical activity before you take another step. Sweat. I don't like sweat. It's wet and salty

and smelly and it stings the eyes. Also, sweaty hands are slippery hands. I once witnessed a TV remote control tumble from the sweaty hands of an exerciser and fall to pieces just before The Bachelor aired.

The horror!

Increased fitness.

Being physically active will increase your fitness levels which will promote even further physical activity.

It's a deadly cycle that's best avoided.

Protein requirements.

The more physically active you are, the more protein you'll want to eat.

Protein will give you cancer, heart disease, and impotence.

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