Hi, you're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through

research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Today's tip is about listening out loud. That might sound strange, but really listening to someone

doesn't require dead silence. You need to engage. And we're not talking

about saying, mm-hmm, a few times, or uh-huh. That kind of listening could mean you actually

have that person on speakers so you can read directions for homemade pizza. Instead, practice

engaged listening, listening out loud, and doing so mindfully. It's a skill built over time. So cut yourself

some slack if this is a challenge, especially in conflict or tense conversation. Here's what you

should do. Tune into what the other person is saying. Stay curious and make understanding a goal.

Confirm what you heard to see if you have it right. Repeat it back by saying

something like, so what you're saying is ask clarifying questions. Also keep in mind that these

are their thoughts. You're the passenger on their train of thought. Follow their journey at their

pace. The conversation might trigger some emotions for you personally. Excitement, boredom, anger,

confusion, and there's a chance that you'll unintentionally interrupt, get distracted, become defensive,

or misunderstand. No one is perfect, but make sure you repair the situation. You could say something

like, I'm so sorry for interrupting. Please continue with what you were

saying before I cut you off. Remember, though, that your feelings and reactions are valid. It's good to

pay attention to what comes up for you. Now that you've heard the do's, here are some don'ts. While

listening, don't zone out to spend time planning what you're going to say next or while you're waiting for your turn to speak. Don't try to finish their sentences. Let them talk without trying to finish or anticipate what they're saying. Be careful not to try to fix things either or offer unsolicited advice. All of these things are easier to do and not to do, the more you practice engaged listening.

While you should be aware of how much time you spend talking in the conversation,

listening out loud and asking questions can help you intentionally be a better listener.

So here's today's small thing.

...