Hi, you're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through

research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Today's tip is about inspiring your partner to attend couples therapy. So say you and your partner

have been managing your relationship issues on your own and doing pretty well with it.

But then lately you hit a rough patch. Maybe you're feeling emotionally disconnected.

Or there's an issue that you just haven't been able to solve. You feel the two of you might benefit from professional help.

But you don't know if your partner will agree.

The thing is, the way which you approach your partner with the idea of couples therapy

makes all the difference in how they might respond. Here's a few pointers to follow when you decide

it's time for this important conversation. First, if you say something like, we need professional help.

During a fight with your partner, you can bet they won't be motivated to go. And any manipulation

will lead to resentment and withdrawal. Instead, be mindful of how and when you bring up the idea.

Never do it in the heat of conflict. It's important to broach the

subject during a neutral calm time. Then, propose a conversation. You might say something like,

honey, I want to talk about what you want for our relationship. Can we have a quick conversation

about it? Speak in a gentle voice that focuses on sharing your experience.

If you know your partner doesn't like to talk about your relationship, write a letter instead.

Although be sure that the letter doesn't replace the conversation.

It's just an invitation to start one.

It'll be difficult to have your partner say yes to couples therapy if they

can't see how it will help your relationship. So now that you're sitting down to talk, focus on learning

about your partner's view of the relationship. You might ask, if our relationship was better,

...