In Dr. Russ Harris' book, The Happiness Trap, he says, I'm guessing you've got a pet donkey to help you carry your goods to the marketplace, unless you've upgraded to a camel.

Now, what's the best way to motivate your donkey?

To whip it with a stick or to offer it a carrot?

Now, both methods will get your donkey to carry the load for you, but over time, the donkey that is mainly motivated by whipping

will get more and more miserable, battered, and bruised, whereas the donkey motivated by carrots

will be healthy and content. And he adds, we'll have really good night vision. Now, as it happens,

humans have a lot in common with donkeys, and he says some more than others, and unfortunately,

when we try to motivate other humans to behave the way that we want, we often use far too much stick and nowhere

near enough of the carrot. The stick takes many forms. It can include criticizing, judging,

demanding, insulting, threatening, or intimidating. And it often involves sharing or blaming or evaluating the other

person negatively or speaking in harsh words. And then he goes on to say that it also frequently

involves deliberately withdrawing things that we know the other person wants, such as affection

or caring, warmth, kindness, gratitude, company, or even just someone to listen.

And he says the technical psychobabble jargon term for using the stick to motivate others is called coercion.

We all have a natural tendency to rely on coercion because the fact is it typically works.

Very often when we use coercion with others, we get our needs met.

They do what we want them to do. But what effect does coercion have in the long term? How does it

affect your relationship with the other person? Whether it's your friend, your child, your partner,

your employee. And he says the research on this is clear. The more we rely on coercion, the worse the relationship

gets. The more coercive the parent, the more stressed and unhappy their child. The more coercive

the manager, the more stressed and depressed their employees. The more coercive the spouse,

the worse the condition of the marriage. So just as big sticks make donkeys sick and miserable,

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