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Conversations with Cam

How to Have Better Sex with Vanessa & Xander Marin (@vanessaandxander)

Conversations with Cam

Cameron Oaks Rogers

Mental Health, Health & Fitness

4.71.6K Ratings

🗓️ 11 March 2026

⏱️ 98 minutes

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

In this episode, I sit down with sex therapist Vanessa and her husband Xander (from @vanessaandxander) to talk all things sex, intimacy, and relationships. We dive deep into how our upbringings shape our comfort around sex and why having open conversations around it is so important. Vanessa & Xander break down the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire, why mismatched libidos are totally normal, and how pleasure should be at the center of our sex lives. We get real about navigating sex after kids, using toys, and why foreplay doesn’t just start in the bedroom. Vanessa and Xander share practical tips on initiating sex, communicating needs with your partner, and the positions that actually work best.


Key Takeaway / Points:

  • What libido mismatch really means (and why it’s normal)

  • The different types of sexual desire (spontaneous vs. responsive)

  • Practical ways to initiate sex and navigate rejection from your partner

  • How couples can reconnect even during “survival mode” as parents

  • The role of toys and romance novels in your sex life

  • Sex beyond intercourse and the importance of focusing on pleasure

  • Why faking orgasms is so common amongst women

  • Vanessa & Xander’s take on scheduled sex and why it can be healthy for couples

  • How foreplay starts in the kitchen

  • Quickie sex questions: favorite positions, time of day, music vs. silence, and more

Link to the Tabu pillow HERE, use code PILLOWTALKS for 10% off


Ultimate foreplay guide HERE

Ultimate sex guide HERE


Listen to their podcast Pillow Talks HERE


Follow Vanessa & Xander:

Instagram: @vanessaandxander

TikTok: @vanessaandxander

Website: vmtherapy.com


Follow me:

Instagram: @cameronoaksrogers

Substack: Fill Your Cup

Website: cameronoaksrogers.com

TikTok: @cameronoaksrogers

Youtube: Cameron Rogers

Transcript

Click on a timestamp to play from that location

0:00.0

Let's talk about sex, baby.

0:02.7

Okay, no, but let's talk about sex.

0:04.3

And I just want to say real fast.

0:07.2

Dad, grandma, men who know me in my actual life, you don't have to listen this episode.

0:16.9

Mom, I know you'll want to listen, so that's fine.

0:19.6

But other people, like, I just want to be very

0:22.7

clear. Like, this episode dives in to sex, obviously. And it's an episode I've wanted to record

0:32.0

for so long because I have been following the guests for a very long time and we've been in

0:36.7

communication for a very long time trying to figure out like logistics if they were coming to the East

0:42.1

Coast, if I was going to the West Coast. But I'm very excited about today's episode, but I do

0:46.1

just want to say, like, I don't need certain family members listening to this episode, okay?

0:52.0

This is one of my favorite topics to openly discuss.

0:55.2

I love talking about sex. If you are in my life and my friend, you know it's one of my

1:00.6

favorite things to talk about. And in this episode, we cover it all. I sit down with Vanessa

1:04.8

and Zander Marin. She is a sex therapist. He is a relationship coach and they have been

1:08.7

married for over 17 years. And together they share a practical sex tips, relationship advice, and ways to increase intimacy on their

1:16.0

podcast, which I love pillow talks. If you didn't follow them already, their social is at

1:20.8

Vanessa and Zander. Their content on Instagram and TikTok is hilarious, but also makes like

1:26.8

taboo topics more comfortable and

1:29.9

approachable and fun. And also they include very tangible pieces of advice around sex and

1:37.6

answer questions that I think a lot of us have. In this episode, we break down something

1:42.6

that I'm super interested in, which is the different

...

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