Hi, you're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through

research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Today's tip is about how to get in the mood for lovemaking, even when you aren't feeling it.

Okay, let's be frank.

For the majority of couples that have been in a relationship for a period of time,

sex is probably not the first thing you think about when you go to bed at night.

Things that take priority?

A new movie on Netflix.

A fantastic podcast. Or checking your phone to see if you received any

late-night texts. And in the morning, coffee. First thing, nothing could be further from your

mind than making love. Can you relate? Yeah, most people can.

But here's the thing.

There is a way back to passion, and to understand how we need to look at the two kinds of sexual desire.

The first type is called spontaneous desire.

Think back to when you were first dating.

And a sweet goodnight kiss led to intense desire running through your entire body and mind, causing instant passion, the kind that says,

I want to rip your clothes off now. Remember? That's spontaneous desire. But if this kind of lust isn't part of your relationship today,

take heart. Your relationship isn't broken and you're not with the wrong person. There's a way back

to lovemaking, and it's through the second type of sexual desire, responsive desire, which means, quite simply, desire occurs in response to something.

So let's say you wake up on a Sunday morning with coffee and a bagel on your mind, while your

partner is already halfway out of bed, heading to the shower. No spontaneous desire here. Sex couldn't be further from your minds.

But what if before getting out of bed your partner turns to you and says,

...