Whenever I bring a guy on the show Women of Rimpad, it always has to benefit you ladies. It has to make sure that whatever message they have, whatever lesson they're here to teach us, that it really does benefit us as women because there are so many different things that I have been through in comparison to you know, other guys in my life and I know so many women that have. And so today's guest, my homie, the guy that I call my brother from another mother, Mr. Jay Sherry himself is in the house. Now guys, if you don't know who Jay Sherry is then I'm going to be guessing that you've lived under a rock probably for the last couple of years. But just think, he's just don't know who he is. He's a life coach author. He used to be a monk and he took all these lessons that he learned from being a monk to actually help millions and millions of people around the world. And right now he's got a new book and it's all about love and dating. So you better freaking believe that we jump right in onto the three date rule that he has that was fascinating to me that you guys can actually implement if you're single and looking today. We also talk about the easy way to determine what your partner really values, not what you think they value, but how to actually know and understand what they value. And then we also dive into the three relationship roles that everyone plays in a relationship. Now the question is which one are you? When you

determine and actually get which one you are and which one your partner is, it will save you guys so much. Like hassle and arguments and terrible fights once you understand what role you play. And so today, My guy, Jay Shetty, and I go deep on all of this and so much more.

Here is my North London homey himself, Mr. Jay Shetty on Love. I met so many people who have been hurt by relationships. They've had bad breakups, they've dated the wrong person, they've struggled with connection, maybe they've been abused, whatever it may be. And one question I'd always ask people is, what did you attract them with? What did you use to get that person? What did you show of yourself? What did you display? What was your best behavior? And what I've discovered

is that when your relationship starts like an interview, chances I might end like a firing. Because we start with our best behavior, we start with our best performance, we start with, oh, look how attractive I am, look how wealthy I am. So if we're using things like money to impress someone, what do you think you're attracting? You're attracting someone who's with you because of that particular asset. Now if that asset ever diminishes, if that asset is never accessible to them, if that asset is not something that they get to take part in, now all of a sudden they're not interested. If someone's only with you because of how you look, because that's what you displayed. So you have to ask yourself, am I displaying what I want someone to be attracted to? Or am I trying so hard just to attract them that I'll show them whatever they wanna see? And so to me, when I think about it, I want someone to be attracted to my values. I want someone to be attracted to my purpose. I want someone to be attracted to who I actually am, not who they want me to be or who I could be. So when I met Rady and when I'm working with clients, I always say to them, be so transparent and honest about where you currently are. Because then if you don't attract that person,

you're safe, because if you attract them

through something you're not, you're gonna lose them through who you are. Oh God, that was so funny. So how on earth in those moments, right? Because when you're going on a date, when you're first meeting something, you do want to put your best foot forward. It's like to be honest, honest if you were on a day and the woman showed up in her PJs right even though we all

love Ravie made maybe on that first day. She did it on like the third day. So like even on that first day, you're never going to see the true person because you do want to see their best what they have. But I totally understand on your point of that you can be setting yourself up and your relationship up for disaster if you do that. So talk to me now about your amazing skill of doing the three date rule because I love this because as we start to talk about who you decide to spend the rest of your life with. These early days, these early moments really do make a difference about whether you choose the right person that shares the same values as you would like. Yes, yeah, and I love that you made that distinction because I think in the beginning, the challenge is,

we don't even want to be with that person. We just want to impress them. So I think that's what I'm trying to get at, is that new ones of like, are you dressing up because you're presenting your best version? Or are you actually doing all these things just to impress that person? So they think you're awesome. Because if that's the reason, then you're showing them

a very limited view of who you are.

So my three-date rule is something I'm gonna clarify as a disclaimer. You do not have to make these your first three dates. And you don't have to make these three dates have to go in order. While you're dating someone, these are three dates that can be dotted across any dating time period. So you could do one of these dates a month if you're seeing someone every week. You could do one of these dates every three months if you're seeing someone for a year. You don't have to do them immediately. The other thing I'm going to add before I dive into this is I read this incredible study that shows that it takes around 40 hours to get to know someone casually. 40 hours Lisa. It takes around 100 hours to get to know someone casually. 40 hours Lisa. It takes around a hundred hours to get to know someone as a friend, to really call someone a friend. And if someone's a good friend, studies show it takes 200 hours. Now the reason why I created the three-date rule is because too many people are falling in love too quickly. People say I love you so quickly. Some men are saying it within one to three months and some women are saying it within like three to six months. It's a fast process. Most of us have not spent 200 hours with each other. And just to pause them, men say quicker and more often than women, space on your stats. Absolutely, yeah, men say quicker and more often to more people. And so there's a speed there. And I've thought about that. Someone's asked me, why is that? I mean, it could be many things. It could be that we've been told that it's the secret key. Like a lot of men have been told that, oh, when you say, I love you to a woman, that opens up everything, like you get access to everything.

So maybe that's part of it.

Maybe a part of it is that men don't know

how to differentiate between lust and love, like and love. I know men who come to me and they'll find someone new attractive every month. It's normal as a man to have that, but you don't know how to differentiate between lust and love or like and love.

And so you say love more often.

So sometimes it's of a vocabulary understanding.

But anyway, going back to the three-day rule, the first date has to be about, do I like this person's personality? Do I get along with them? Do I like their company? Most of our time in a day is spent thinking, do they like me? Right? That's what we're thinking. Do they like me?

Are they impressed by me?

Do they think I look good?

Do they think that I'm a good person?

But we're not really thinking like, do I like spending time with a person? Do I really engage with them? Do I really connect with them? Do I feel this person has like great morals and great, great sense of company? Are they funny? Are they interesting? are they interesting? And I think for a long time we've overestimated the spark. And I want

to talk about this because I'm not saying there should be no spark. I think the problem is when relationships are built on sparks, not skills. And I think what you're really looking for is, is there a spark and skills? Or am I only seeing spark and no skills? And the problem is when we see a spark, we assume that the person has the skills. And when you say the skills, you mean? I mean, like when we get to skills and I'm talking like, does this person ought to communicate with you? Does this person ought to listen to you? Does this person know how to make you feel seen and heard? Does this person want to develop skills with you? Or fighting better? Disagreting better better? Are they wanting to grow them, even if they don't have them? And what I find is that when we find the spark with someone, when we feel chemistry with someone, we assume that they're organized, good people who will treat us well. Right? We've all done that. You find someone attractive, and you someone articulate and you think they must be amazing at everything. And you just assume that you never ask, you never check. So that's date one. Do you like their company? And the way the test is, do I want to spend 200 hours getting to know this person? It's a great test, 200 hours. Because that's what a long-term relationship is gonna need. Second day, do I respect their values? This one's really big because I find that we don't often really understand our partners' values till much later. We don't really know what they care about or we're hoping we care about the same things. I think you and Tom can relate to this and me and Radecan too. I don't think we prioritize the same things in the same way. Why? I think we have different values. And I think a lot of people live in this social media world of like find someone who has the same values like find some and I'm like well that may take your whole life. You may never find the person has the same values. So in second date you're're trying to understand their values. What do they care about most?

What's their biggest priority?

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