Hi! You're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Today's tip is about how to express feelings instead of judgments. Yep.

We're talking about something that can be so subtle, so insidious, so very destructive to your relationship.

And yet you might have no idea at all that you're expressing it.

What is it?

Contempt.

And if it's been seeping into your conversations with your partner, they may be hearing judgments instead of your feelings.

What does contempt sound like?

Here's a couple of examples.

You went to the store and didn't ask me if I needed anything. Don't you ever think of anyone else but yourself? Or, I can't believe you're late again. What's the matter with you? I'm never late.

Can you hear those negative judgments oozing into the conversation? That's contempt.

And although you may feel you're just expressing your genuine feelings, this kind of lashing out

with judgment can really hurt your partner and cause major lingering resentment. But contempt

doesn't just come out in words. It can be your facial expressions too, like rolling your eyes,

sneering, shaking your head in disgust,

or suddenly going totally silent and stonewalling.

But whichever way you express it, contempt says to your partner, I don't respect you, I'm superior to you,

and I want you to know it.

The repercussions of that can be completely destructive to your relationship.

So what's the antidote to contempt? Expressing your feelings and longings and doing it with compassion. And here's three

steps to do just that. First, make a clear statement of what you're feeling. Next, state a request

or longing of what you would like to happen, and then offer an invitation

...