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How to be married.

Whatever you once thought about marriage, forget it.

People have matrimony all wrong.

It's not about chapels, bouquets, or groomscakes with deer antlers.

Marriage is about vowing before God that you will hereby spend three-quarters of your life,

painstakingly fussing about what is for supper.

Look, son, I know you think you're marrying a girl, but you're not. What you're really doing

is you're marrying someone with low blood sugar who is unable to decide between butterbeams and

olive garden. It will go like this. The moment you'll wake, your wife rolls over, blowing her stink breath into your innocent young face.

What do you want for supper tonight, dear?

She will ask, like Scarlett O'Hara.

How should I know, you might say?

I just woke up.

And then you will roll onto your other side, and there your dog stares at you with even

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