How to be direct about someone's hurtful behavior without being confrontational

The Overwhelmed Brain

Paul Colaianni: Emotional Abuse and Relationship Expert

Education, Mental Health, Health & Fitness, Self-improvement

4.5 • 2K Ratings

🗓️ 17 May 2026

⏱️ 36 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

You're allowed to tell someone they're hurting you — and if you feel stuck because you avoid conflict or keep punishing with silence, I've been there and will show you how to say it plainly so you know whether they change or reveal who they really are.

Transcript

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0:00.0	Welcome to the Overwhelmed Brain podcast, helping you navigate the difficulties in your life and relationships.
0:06.0	These are my personal opinions. Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well-being.
0:16.0	Welcome to the show. Glad you are here. I was thinking about something that I talk about
0:24.7	on my other podcast, Love and Abuse, over at Love and Abuse.com. If you don't listen to that,
0:30.3	there's an important concept that I think applies to all kinds of relationships, because we can be hurtful and harmful to other people
0:41.4	without even realizing it. And they can be hurtful and harmful to us without even realizing it.
0:49.1	This concept came from my years of being passive aggressive. I was the people pleasing passive aggressive
0:56.7	person. Most people pleasers are actually passive aggressive because they don't want to be seen as a
1:05.2	bad guy. I never wanted to be seen as the bad guy because I had a fear of abandonment, a fear of
1:12.3	rejection, and quite a number of dysfunctions.
1:17.6	And I grew up with those dysfunctions and applied them to my adult relationships, and
1:24.1	they don't work well at all.
1:26.8	These kinds of dysfunctional behaviors, they don't work well at all. These kinds of dysfunctional behaviors, they don't work well.
1:31.3	Because I lost good friendships and relationships in my life because I was expecting more
1:38.2	from others and trying to make them show up in the way that made me more comfortable so I didn't have to change.
1:46.5	And I mean, this is mostly romantic relationships, not so much friendships, but being the people
1:52.3	pleaser, it caused me to become resentful when I wasn't getting as much as I was giving.
1:59.4	And my version of giving was overly accommodating and being extra nice to people in a way to gain their like or liking of me.
2:13.6	I wanted them to like me.
2:15.6	I did not want to be alone. And that's where that came from
2:20.7	at a deep level. Not wanting to be alone. Not wanting to be rejected or abandoned. I had to be
2:26.6	liked. And so I walked around with this people pleasing mentality. And that really rubbed my romantic relationships the wrong way because a lot of people
	...

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