Hi, you're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Today's tip is about listening to your partner.

Are you a good listener?

I mean, have you ever really thought about it?

You should, because it's an incredibly important

skill, especially these days when anxiety and stress are at an all-time high. Being able to listen

to your partner with a caring heart, no matter what's on their mind, can have a huge impact on

the health of your relationship. So here's the thing. Whether your partner needs to vent or

explain or just talk, your job is to listen to their pain. And that doesn't mean just hearing it.

It means being totally focused on what your partner is saying and listening with empathy

and understanding. It means not being defensive or interrupting, even when your

buttons are pushed. It means listening to your partner until they're finished before you respond,

or try to fix the issue, or give advice. We know. It's not easy. It takes practice. Here's an example.

Say your partner says they need to talk. You immediately

tense up, knowing it will probably be about the small argument you had last night that escalated

into a larger argument about finances. You're already feeling defensive or hurt or angry before

they even start speaking, but you can see they're in a great amount of pain.

So how do you handle it? Here's some skills that will help you through. First, self-soothe.

While your partner is speaking to you, be sure to keep in the back of your mind how much you love and

respect them. Think about the joy they bring you, the love you've both

shared, and know that working through this issue will bring you even closer. If you feel

defensive or the need to immediately respond, breathe deeply and relax your body. Postpone your

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