Hi, you're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through

research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Today's tip is about subjective realities. Some things are just that. Subjective. And when you're

in a conflict, it's possible that two different viewpoints are both

valid, even if it feels like the right side is obvious. We do want to be clear, though,

that there are certain situations where this may not apply. The civil unrest that's been happening

in our country is an example. The existence of two different viewpoints doesn't give

anyone permission to be racist or violent. But there are times when there's two valid sides to a

conflict. That means no one is necessarily right or wrong, because we all see things a little

differently sometimes. It's important to acknowledge both sides in these situations so you don't deny your

partner's experience. It's also important to separate facts from feelings, because feelings aren't

facts, but they do matter. Let's say both you and your partner are working from home right now.

And today, your partner woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and you already have it

in your head that they clearly have some major toude as they go to close the door to your shared

office. In fact, the sound of the door closing makes you jump. To you, that sound was loud and

totally unexpected. It might be natural to just blurt out,

why did you slam the door?

But instead of going back and forth with your partner about whether or not they really slammed the door,

try acknowledging your feelings.

Try saying,

I felt afraid when the door closed.

It was so loud it made me jump.

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