Hi, you're listening to Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute, where we talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Today's tip is about defining the culture of your couplehood. A culture? For a relationship? Really? Yep. Because as strange as it sounds, just as every workplace has a culture, every relationship has one too, made up of certain values, beliefs, and attitudes that define you and your partner. So as the new year approaches,

a time of hope and new beginnings, it may be the perfect time to really think about the unique

traits you value in your relationship. As you do, you'll be creating shared meaning, which in turn

will deepen your connection and help you grow even closer.

So here's our suggestion.

Find a quiet time to sit down with your partner with a pencil and paper

and write down all the traits that make up your culture.

Then ask each other questions about what kind of culture you might want to create in the future

and what specific values will help

you get there. Here's some ideas to get you started. Do you and your partner value honesty? Put it on

your list. Being able to trust each other is huge and will give you a great deal of comfort as you go

through life's ups and downs. Or does your

culture include the importance of intimacy? If so, how do you keep it fresh and alive? Maybe you carve out

time once a week for a date night, or you regularly hold hands, touch, and kiss, and make lovemaking

a priority. Maybe you and your partner value vulnerability

and need to feel emotionally safe when expressing your most personal thoughts and feelings,

and even when you're hurt or angry,

you feel safe enough to tell each other that you're upset and why?

Or perhaps it's important to you to always treat each other with the utmost respect, to never

shout or curse at each other. And if you get close to doing either, you take a break,

make amends, and start over. For some couples having fun is a crucial part of their culture.

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