How Far Should I Go to Give My Emotionally Abusive Husband a Chance to Change? [196]

Flying Free

Natalie Hoffman

Emotional, Spiritual, Narcissism, Self-improvement, Marriage, Abuse, Religion & Spirituality, Christian, Divorce, Christianity, Education

5.0 • 1.1K Ratings

🗓️ 8 November 2022

⏱️ 27 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

I remember thinking that if I could just hit on the right inflection in my voice maybe or the correct tone or the perfect combination of words or the right attitude — you know, one of subservience and humility so as not to trigger his fragile ego and bring down his wrath — I’d finally get through. He’d finally get it. The wall would come crumbling down. Nope. When I finally filed for divorce, he suddenly said he’d seen the light. He’s willing to go to counseling. If I don’t give him this “final” chance (there have been so many “final” chances), I’ll feel like I didn’t do enough. Is this you? This episode defines “enough”: - What a 10-year-old kid and an iPad have to do with an abusive husband and therapy - Why there’s not much hope for abusers - The reason your body’s “ick” reaction to your husband’s Hail Mary shows it’s wiser than your mental second-guessing - How many chances I gave my ex-husband, and how mad it made God when I stopped (Spoiler Alert: It didn’t make God mad) - Why feeling conflicted in your emotionally abusive marriage is COMPLETELY NORMAL - What DARVO is (and what it has to do with cats and ducks) - Why you’re asking the wrong questions Listen or download the transcript at flyingfreenow.com/196 FREE: I'll send you the first chapter of my book, Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage. Just hop on my mailing list at flyingfreesisterhood.com/free-download. (I will NEVER spam you or sell your information.) Desperate for real help and safe people who understand what you're going through? Find out about my online education and support program for women of faith at joinflyingfree.com And, if you are an already divorced Christian woman who wants to take back her life and get healthy, have amazing relationships, build a business or career, or even find a good man - check out joinflyinghigher.com

Transcript

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0:00.0	Hi, this is Natalie Hoffman of Flying Free Now, and you're listening to the Flying Free
0:10.2	podcast, a support resource for Women of Faith, looking for hope and healing from hidden
0:16.6	emotional and spiritual abuse.
0:21.6	Welcome to episode 196 of the Flying Free Podcast.
0:25.0	We're going to dive right into our first listener question, so here we go.
0:30.0	I have been in an abusive marriage for 12 years and had gone as far as to
0:37.8	how a lawyer was beginning to start proceedings when he finally came to me on his own, said he would do counseling,
0:46.3	because of course he always would say no, no, no, there was nothing wrong with him.
0:57.8	So I, my question is this I'm feeling I was feeling kind of free knowing I was going to be divorced I mean almost like I saw light you know at the end of the tunnel that was coming.
1:05.0	Now that I have made the choice to give him the opportunity to go to counseling,
1:11.0	I'm feeling confused, scared, anxious, all of that all over again and knowing it's going to be a very long road ahead,
1:20.0	I'm doubting in questioning whether or not I have made the right choice, but at the same time I know that if I don't try the counseling, I'll feel like I didn't do everything I could.
1:35.0	I'm very much struggling with this and do you have any advice.
1:41.0	Thank you.
1:45.8	First of all, notice right off the bat who is taking responsibility in this relationship. Do you guys see this? I mean you might be
1:50.6	tempted to think that it's the husband. After all, he just said he was going to go to counseling now at long last he's taking responsibility right?
1:58.4	Wrong in this story the wife is still taking the responsibility.
2:03.0	She believes that it's her responsibility to do everything she can,
2:07.0	these are her words, to make sure the marriage has every chance,
2:11.0	or had every chance that it could have. She's already given this marriage 12 years and for 12 years this guy wasn't interested in taking responsibility or going to counseling or getting help. But now that she's filed for divorce, he's
2:26.4	suddenly interested. Of course he is. The vast majority of abusers are very interested in counseling
2:34.4	once their wife of sometimes decades has finally decided to pull the plug on the
	...

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